What Goes Up Comes Down

19 Nov

What if, rather than gym teachers, more science teachers were employed as coaches? Then maybe we’d finally abolish the most dangerous and ridiculous sport of all. Cheerleading!

Did you know that cheerleading is the most dangerous activity that your son or daughter can participate in and that more injuries are attributable to cheerleading each year than to any other sport or activity? Including wrestling and football! I kid you not.

And why is this? Because as any respectable science teacher knows, what goes up must come down and usually at a greater speed…and often with a resounding thud! It’s called gravity, and mom and dad; it’s not just a theory anymore.

Just about every sport one can name has rules, regulations and penalties against any participant leaving the ground and hurtling through space like a projectile, and for good reason; because you could kill yourself or someone else, but not cheerleading. No, they encourage it! “Come here lil’ darlin’. What’s your name? You look like you’d make a very fine hand grenade…Now who wants to throw Sheila in the air?”

And they don’t even use equipment. Does she get a helmet or shoulder pads or shin guards even? No! Because in Cheerleading you get penalized for protecting yourself! No doubt being caught using a maxi-pad would be cause for disqualification. “What are you? Girls? Yes! They are! Are you babies? Yes! Sometimes they actually are babies! OK, not actually babies but often 5 year old Junior, Midget Pee Wees…which definitely has to be my favorite division name of all time in any sport anywhere.

So here’s a short skirt and some cute underwear “Now fly me pretties! Fly!”

What I don’t understand is why we still have Cheerleading. Didn’t Cheerleading begin because we wouldn’t let girls play any sports? Hasn’t all that changed and don’t we have equality now? What are they still cheering for? And don’t tell me that we have boys involved now too. They’re just there to catch the girls and help throw them back into the stratosphere higher than ever before. If this were the circus and not the public schools we’d employ the use of safety nets rather than try to create another co-educational opportunity.

What I want to know is what misogynist bastard invented this sport anyway? Probably some old man who’d just seen his team go 0-30 and couldn’t stand listening to the incessant, optimistic, sweet and happy tones of the cute little red-faced girls who just wouldn’t stop cheering, cheering…cheering! When we’re losing, losing…losing! “So honeys, why don’t you add some spice to your game and throw each other in the air every now and then to show us that you really mean it, and don’t forget to smile, smile, smile all the way from apogee to impact!”

“But coach! We’ll kill ourselves!”

“What are you? Girls? Babies?”

Yes they are! Now stop it!

Actually cheerleading was invented in the late 19th century when some guys starting shouting from the stands, rooting the home team on. Now look what’s happened. Instead of cheering for the team, they are the team…and they’re cheering for themselves!… While others cheer for them. We’ve actually got people cheering for cheering. That’s like making clapping at a theater performance without the theater or the performance, an event! And then clapping for the clappers who are being thrown in the air and twisting themselves into interesting shapes while clapping.

I know right now someone is reading this and getting very angry because they have a cute Honey Boo Boo at home who practices cheering 6 hours every day …and that’s just doing the makeup! There’s no makeup in sports!… unless there’s rain first so I’m sorry mom (and reluctant dad) …

It’s not a sport! And any mom and dad who let their babies grow up to be projectiles should be fitted for a helmet and promptly shot from a cannon! If it requires jumping up and down, wearing cute clothes, yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs and smiling like a fool on a botox high…It’s not a sport. It’s a pajama party!

12 Responses to “What Goes Up Comes Down”

  1. John November 19, 2012 at 5:03 am #

    It’s all about the risk of exposing panties and whatever else, isn’t it? Dumb sport…

  2. Tina Susedik, Author November 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    I enjoyed this very much and agree with every single word. I hope my granddaughters find some other sport – oops that made it sound as if cheerleeding was a sport, didn’t it?

  3. lovelifelaundry November 19, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

    Whatever it’s other faults, in England we do not have cheerleading. Maybe for once the U S of A will copy us

    • gpicone November 19, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

      We can only hope so! 🙂

  4. duncanr November 21, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    In most other contexts, men caught staring at teen (or pre-teen) girls – and scantily-clad ones at that – would be viewed with suspicion and be at risk of having their name entered on a sex-offender register !

  5. Marcela November 21, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

    I do agree with you that cheerleading is dangerous. I cannot believe the things they do right now. They look like acrobats doing so many amazing, but dangerous moves. I don’t have children, but if I did I would not want him/her involved in cheerleading. I think that it is up to the parents, school, and the children themselves on how far they want to take cheerleading. All I hope, every time I see them perform, is that they are all safe.

  6. NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE November 22, 2012 at 12:45 am #

    Thanks for stopping by my website http://www.noulteriormotive.com . I’m glad you enjoyed the music. Your website is fantastic! There are several teachers in my family (mother, brother and daughter-in-law) and I will email your website link to them. They will appreciate your articles, as I do. I signed up to follow your blog and look forward to reading more of your articles. I don’t mean to be discouraging, but unfortunately, after watching my mother and brother for many years, I sometimes think great teachers are like a lot of great artist, their skill, wisdom and insight is not put to use, or appreciated, till they have left their field of endevour. Please keep up your work, somebody has to tell it like it is. When you know you’re right, that’s the best time and place to state you case. Sooner, hopefully not later, your message will come alive. And for what it’s worth, from what I’ve read so far on your website, I’m confident you have touched a lot of people in a lot of lasting and positive ways. That, by itself, is almost worth everything.

    • NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE November 22, 2012 at 12:52 am #

      I just found out you’re following my website, and I thank you. You have the best Thanksgiving possible.

    • gpicone November 22, 2012 at 2:53 am #

      Thank you so much for your comments and support!

      • NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE November 22, 2012 at 4:19 am #

        You deserve it.

  7. Michelle Frost November 28, 2012 at 12:13 am #

    I was a cheerleader and loved it. I was also in pretty good shape because it is a very active sport. Granted, when I was a cheerleader 20+ years ago (yes, I am aging myself), we didn’t do that much in the flipping department. We also did not have short skirts, as I went to a private school and our uniforms were knee length and culottes. We might do a pyramid or balance on each other, but there wasn’t much hurling through the air like superman.

    Nowadays, cheerleading isn’t even cheerleading imo. It’s more like gymnastics/slutty dancing with very little clothing, especially the older the cheerleaders get (I’m thinking of the NFL and college level cheerleaders now).

    I would also say that with high school aged girls, with as much gymnastics training they are beginning to have required in order to make the squad, it is very much a sport. However, unlike gymnastics, cheerleaders do not get the benefit of flipping around on mats.

  8. Stace December 3, 2012 at 4:39 am #

    It reminds me of the can can, which I guess was all about the titillation. I don’t think high school cheerleading is going anywhere fast, though, unfortunately. I’ve always considered it an ultra-American thing, but I recently learnt that in this little town in Australia I can send my four-year-old along to learn cheerleading. Hellz no.

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