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I’ve Gone Cross-eyed!

17 Jun

Image result for big bird

Tweet! Tweet!

Our American President is all a twitter! He has tweeted that he is the subject of a witch hunt for being investigated for firing a man that he was told to fire. “I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director!” tweeted our biggest bird.

However it was the President himself who asked for the letter from the man recommending the firing of the other man by “THE” Man.

And then “THE” Man went on television to tell the reporter man that he was going to fire the man whether or not the other man recommended it or not. “I was going to fire Comey– my decision. There is no good time to do it, by the way,” Trump told NBC News’s Lester Holt. “I was going to fire him regardless of recommendation.”

So the man was getting fired by “THE” man anyway no matter what the other man said in a letter, or recommendation or not.

So “THE Man told the man to write a letter detailing why the man should be fired by “THE” Man even though “THE” Man was going to fire the man in the first place which has now prompted “THE” Man to tweet that the man wouldn’t have been fired by “THE” Man if the man hadn’t told “THE” man to fire the man in the second place even though “THE” Man had already made up his own mind to fire the man…and now we’re back to the first place!

And now I’ve gone cross-eyed! How about you?

 

He’s Just a Caveman

10 Jun

Image result for phil hartman caveman lawyer

The United States of America, as both a country and a T.V. show, has without a doubt “jumped the shark”!

Back in the early 1990’s the late Phil Hartman of Saturday Night Live fame would often play the character of the “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”. In his sketches featuring this character he would play a Neanderthal who, after being discovered in a glacier and then unfrozen, became a defense and personal injury lawyer and eventually a politician running for the Senate on the platform of eliminating the capital gains tax.

He was portrayed as a “selfish, well-dressed attorney who repeatedly would employ simple folk wisdom  to win his cases.” He also enjoyed significant wealth, driving luxury cars and owning a home on Martha’s Vineyard. But whenever he made a mistake or committed a faux pas or said something crude or rude or out of line he would excuse himself and carry the day with his jury by uttering the line, ” But I’m just a caveman who is not familiar with the ways of the world.”

It struck me this week that our president is a lot like that, or at least that is how his fellow Republicans have decided to excuse his constant rude, crude and boorish behavior.

Whether our President lies or contradicts himself or shoves a fellow statesman out of the way, or insults this diplomat or that public servant, decries the American judicial system, mocks the handicapped, insults women, issues false accusations, tweets inarticulate and incoherent statements, exalts foreign dictators while demeaning friendly heads of state… and on and on and on… the fall back position for his indelicate conduct has become:

“He just doesn’t know how to be a politician. He’s a simple American learning on the job and trying to do the best he can for the American people.” (Like all you American simpleton’s out there?)

So don’t worry America. Our President… despite being a 70 year old billionaire who was able to build a real estate empire, run a presidential campaign and win the United States Presidency… is just a common man, unfamiliar with the ways of the modern world, justice and common human decency, who is going to learn how to be a better person and president while on the job.

And I’m a monkey’s Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!

It’s A Secret…

9 Jun

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Shhhhhhh… Because here in 21st century America if it has to do with our government…our government doesn’t want to talk about it. Oh they’re investigating it, whatever “it” may be… but whatever it is that they are finding is too delicate for “we the people” to know about. I suppose we might get upset and decide not to go shopping, which I think has become the American citizen’s only national duty. (and use a credit card please, while doing so)

Other than that we are to be left in the fog of disputed facts and testimonies, various and sundry leaks and tweets and obligatory 5th amendment pleas…and lets not forget the distorted and dark glassed perspectives of opposing political parties and their networked counterparts.

What’s going on inside America’s hallowed halls of government these days? Oh we can talk about it. We just can’t say anything with certainty. No absolutes please. It’s under investigation so we’ll get back to you on that as soon as it’s determined whether or not it’s appropriate to discuss in public.

We’ve ascertained some facts and we’re even following up on some appropriate suspicions. We’ve even gathered some information both dubious and not…so we’ll get back to you on that after our intelligence committees finish their…committeeing? Is that a word?

We’ll investigate and we’ll let you know…

In the mean time, and as Russian President, Putin, would say, “Don’t worry. Be happy!”

 

General Tso’s Fish

25 May

Image result for chinese fishing trawler

Here is the United States our military has 11 aircraft carriers to China’s 1. But when it comes to fishing trawlers China out numbers our fleet by 2,000! As a result the Chinese are happily on their way to eating all of the fish in the ocean…or oceans I should say.

It seems that in recent years the Chinese have had to sail away from their own fishing grounds where they have actually caught almost all of the fish, to fisheries all over the world and thousands of miles from home because…well, there are over a billion and a half Chinese…and they love to eat  fish! To the tune of 3.1 million tons per year! That’s a lot of Sushi.

So much so that other countries around the world are now finding it hard to catch their own fish in their own waters because…as it turns out, there truly are… only so many fish in the sea and not the unlimited supply that Red Lobster tells us there are.

But the Chinese don’t just eat the fish that they catch in the ocean because a 2017 study  published in Fish and Fisheries found that China also hauls in more fish catch for non-human consumption than any other country in the world. Those fish they use to convert into fish oil and fishmeal which they then use to feed to aquaculture fish like farm raised Salmon, which the Chinese apparently really like.

So they are not just feeding fish to people. They are feeding fish to fish so they don’t have to fish for so much fish! Which of course, while delicious, is only making things worse for fishermen around the world.

So if you like to eat fish enjoy them while you can because even though we are pumping money into our navy to protect the seven seas, China is pumping money into its fishing fleet so they can eat all of the fish in the seven seas. Then I suppose when they are done eating… we can have it.

Just ask any mermaid you happen to see, “What’s the best tuna?”

There is none! Just a bunch of aircraft carriers. And they are not very tasty.

Where In the World is North Korea?

15 May
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North Korea has made significant advances in its attempts to build an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) with its recent and successful launch of a mid-to-long range missile. Their leader, Kim Jong Un even boasted that their recent launch was aimed at verifying the capability of carrying a “large scale heavy nuclear warhead.” He also

warned our leaders in Washington D.C. not to misjudge the reality that the U.S. is now in North Korea’s “sighting range for a strike.”

The U.S. military’s Pacific Command however, said that the type of missile that was fired was “not consistent” with an ICBM…So… should American’s be worried anyway?

Well, according to a New York Times survey… probably not, because only 36% of Americans know where North Korea is!

Yep, only 36% of adults surveyed could place North Korea on a map. So as far as most Americans are concerned it might as well be on the moon or in Narnia or on the Klingon’s home planet. Now where’s my iPhone??? I want to invade Westeros!

Oh well, that’s according to the New York Times… which of course we all now know is fake news…so no worries… and on the bright side, even if we are attacked with nuclear weapons we’ll certainly never know what hit us…nor where the heck they came from either.

And besides North Koreans can’t be as smart as we Americans are, can they? I mean, how could they be…they’re North Koreans after all…from wherever that is! So if we don’t know where they are, how could they even find us in the first place? Or is that second place? Anyway…

They say that Ignorance is bliss…and maybe so too will be the Apocalypse?

 

 

L…Is Still for Mom

15 May

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. If you aren’t a mother than you most assuredly have one, so it is a day that we can and should all celebrate. I posted this 4 years ago and as I read it over, I see that most if not all of what I had said then is still true today…so here it is… once again…

It has always struck me as odd, that most westerners of the modern age worship a god who is male when it is the female who gives life and who is most likely to care for and nurture the child…of course I suppose that this same fact could also support our belief in a male deity because we can always say…”where did he go? And why did he leave us alone like this?” too.

Sadly however, in our day and age, the single most important indicator in determining a woman’s likelihood to live out her days in poverty is…childbirth. If a woman in this world can call herself a mother, she is more likely than not… to be poor. That in my opinion is the saddest testament to the failures of the human race that I could ever imagine…And the saddest testament to the failures of men because we are supposed to be partners with women aren’t we? So how come so many women have to go it alone, whether they choose to or not.

The abject cruelty and disdain with how many men treat women, has always been puzzling to me because all men have mothers and most men have wives and many men have sisters and daughters too…and it is not uncommon for almost all men to become angry and outraged should anyone say anything bad about their mothers, daughters sisters or wives.

Yet many if not most of these same men never seem to equate other women as being someone elses mother, daughter, sister or wife thereby causing them to treat those women with the same thoughtfulness, kindness, love and respect that all women, not just “theirs”, deserve.

Instead so many men behave so violently towards women that it is enough to boggle any god’s (male or female) mind. But that is the tragic flaw of men is it not? We see violence as a real solution to problems…and we really believe that it is…really.

And so we keep putting each other in charge and we keep coming up with the same solution…to everything…even when we are fathers we still think that it is a good idea to send our sons…or other people’s sons off to war.

I know that women send there sons to war too, but I think only because men make them. I do believe that If moms were in charge wars and violence would be harder to come by…maybe…but I only say maybe because men would still be around to point out, and insist upon,  how we need to resort to violence to get the job done.

So here’s to moms everywhere. I wish you peace and happiness and the love and respect of grateful children everywhere. And I hope you someday get the chance to  take control of the planet and have the opportunity to show us if indeed, love is the answer…to war, hunger, poverty, religion and greed…because we men still have no freakin’ ideas.

It’s Party Time!

5 May

Image result for Congress celebrating healthcare repeal with beer

Congress has repealed the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and replaced it with the American Health Care Act (AHCA). All they had to do was take the word affordable out! It was just that easy and also very American. Now let’s all party at the President’s Palace! (formerly known as the White House) There are free buses to and from and beer and selfies!…But sadly you and I were not invited.

Anyway, experts agree that the changes in America’s Healthcare will mean cheaper prices and more healthcare for the young and the wealthy and more expensive prices for the poor and elderly. Huzzah! This is just as it should be!

If you want something you have to pay for it. This is called Capitalism… and if you want something and don’t have the money to pay for it then you don’t get it. It is a very simple and straight forward system. Tried and true.

So naturally our new Healthcare system favors those who can pay over those who can’t because if you want something that you can’t pay for and then cry about it, you are a Socialist and Socialists can go screw and have babies! And a lot of good that will do them because their babies won’t get healthcare either. So rest easy… In case you were worried.

But look at the bright side. If you are elderly then you are close to dying anyway so isn’t spending money on healthcare a waste of money? And if you are poor then what do you have to live for? (especially in one of the most expensive countries on Earth) so wouldn’t spending money on your health be counter productive? And if you are poor and elderly well then… do the words “cost effective” mean nothing to you?

Besides, the United States is number 1 in child poverty (Among industrial nations) and number 1 in the amount of money we spend (Don’t) on helping the poor. (As in LAST)…in case you were worried again. So when it comes to Entitlements this new Healthcare Act is not one of them! Huzzah again!

Because Freedom is Expensive, not Free! It’s expensive when you are born. Expensive when you are alive and expensive when you die. And if we are doing it right it gets more and more expensive as you go along. That’s called business.

And oh yeah, the new bill eliminates The ACA’s employer mandate, which required large employers to offer affordable coverage to their workers. If the bill becomes law, companies that do not wish to cover their workers will face no penalty. It frees all large employers of the complex reporting necessary to enforce the provision and It also pushes back enactment of a tax on high-cost employer health plans.

So take your excess money (if you have any) and put it in your new Healthcare bank account (tax free) and tell the bank to invest it in Healthcare (not yours silly…the business) and Pharmaceuticals and medical devices and even tanning beds! Those businesses are about to go through the roof! If you’re lucky You’ll be able to cash in on the death and dying of others so that you can afford your own future demise.

And if we can get the banks to bundle these healthcare accounts into derivatives and then sell them back and forth to each other until the whole system collapses under its own weight and from sheer greed, then the feds will have to step in and bail out the entire convoluted establishment and we all get rich…if we don’t get dead first!…which of course we most probably will.

Anyway, I digress. Just look at all of those happy, old, rich, white guys laughing and smiling and about to party like it’s 1776! And most of them haven’t even read the bill they’ve just passed (I kid you not) including the big guy in the middle who says that it’s a great, no, very great, piece of legislation.

But don’t despair yet. The American Senate still has to approve this bill and so far they say that they aren’t going to read it either…just disapprove it… and then make their own healthcare legislation. Why? Because the American Health Care Act is…wait for it…too generous!

So party hearty America!…Happier (if maybe not healthier) days may soon be here again…and If you’re an old, rich, white guy… did they ever really end?

 

 

 

 

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