Archive | 3:54 am

What Goes Up Comes Down

19 Nov

What if, rather than gym teachers, more science teachers were employed as coaches? Then maybe we’d finally abolish the most dangerous and ridiculous sport of all. Cheerleading!

Did you know that cheerleading is the most dangerous activity that your son or daughter can participate in and that more injuries are attributable to cheerleading each year than to any other sport or activity? Including wrestling and football! I kid you not.

And why is this? Because as any respectable science teacher knows, what goes up must come down and usually at a greater speed…and often with a resounding thud! It’s called gravity, and mom and dad; it’s not just a theory anymore.

Just about every sport one can name has rules, regulations and penalties against any participant leaving the ground and hurtling through space like a projectile, and for good reason; because you could kill yourself or someone else, but not cheerleading. No, they encourage it! “Come here lil’ darlin’. What’s your name? You look like you’d make a very fine hand grenade…Now who wants to throw Sheila in the air?”

And they don’t even use equipment. Does she get a helmet or shoulder pads or shin guards even? No! Because in Cheerleading you get penalized for protecting yourself! No doubt being caught using a maxi-pad would be cause for disqualification. “What are you? Girls? Yes! They are! Are you babies? Yes! Sometimes they actually are babies! OK, not actually babies but often 5 year old Junior, Midget Pee Wees…which definitely has to be my favorite division name of all time in any sport anywhere.

So here’s a short skirt and some cute underwear “Now fly me pretties! Fly!”

What I don’t understand is why we still have Cheerleading. Didn’t Cheerleading begin because we wouldn’t let girls play any sports? Hasn’t all that changed and don’t we have equality now? What are they still cheering for? And don’t tell me that we have boys involved now too. They’re just there to catch the girls and help throw them back into the stratosphere higher than ever before. If this were the circus and not the public schools we’d employ the use of safety nets rather than try to create another co-educational opportunity.

What I want to know is what misogynist bastard invented this sport anyway? Probably some old man who’d just seen his team go 0-30 and couldn’t stand listening to the incessant, optimistic, sweet and happy tones of the cute little red-faced girls who just wouldn’t stop cheering, cheering…cheering! When we’re losing, losing…losing! “So honeys, why don’t you add some spice to your game and throw each other in the air every now and then to show us that you really mean it, and don’t forget to smile, smile, smile all the way from apogee to impact!”

“But coach! We’ll kill ourselves!”

“What are you? Girls? Babies?”

Yes they are! Now stop it!

Actually cheerleading was invented in the late 19th century when some guys starting shouting from the stands, rooting the home team on. Now look what’s happened. Instead of cheering for the team, they are the team…and they’re cheering for themselves!… While others cheer for them. We’ve actually got people cheering for cheering. That’s like making clapping at a theater performance without the theater or the performance, an event! And then clapping for the clappers who are being thrown in the air and twisting themselves into interesting shapes while clapping.

I know right now someone is reading this and getting very angry because they have a cute Honey Boo Boo at home who practices cheering 6 hours every day …and that’s just doing the makeup! There’s no makeup in sports!… unless there’s rain first so I’m sorry mom (and reluctant dad) …

It’s not a sport! And any mom and dad who let their babies grow up to be projectiles should be fitted for a helmet and promptly shot from a cannon! If it requires jumping up and down, wearing cute clothes, yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs and smiling like a fool on a botox high…It’s not a sport. It’s a pajama party!

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