Archive | March, 2020

HAWAA

24 Mar

3-ply toilet paper

I have a new slogan for the 2020 presidential campaign. And I offer it freely to anyone who wants to run with it or stitch it onto a hat and make a fortune! (just kidding. If you actually do that based upon reading this blog, I want a piece of the action!)

So, is anyone else out there having difficulty finding toilet paper? Where did it all go? And who has it? And what are they planning to do with it all now that they have it? I mean, of all things, is this what most worries Americans in a time of crisis? How will I wipe my ass as the world goes to shit?

Is it the first thing that you worry about during a disaster? Oh no! It’s a blizzard! An earthquake! A tsunami! The electrical grid has failed! There’s an oil embargo! The stock market, housing market, job market have all collapsed! It’s an invasion from outer space!

Quick where’s my ass? What if it has to poop?!

Is this what Americans really worry about?

Anyway, If you are running for public office this year feel free to use this slogan:

HAWAA! Help Americans Wipe Asses Again! 

And promise to ramp up toilet paper production all across America so that America will never become a 2nd world country again, like we are now… and teetering on the edge of 3rd worldness should we have to poop outdoors come the warmer weather… like they do in those “shithole” countries.

After all aren’t we building that wall to help prevent outdoor poopers from moving here? What if we Americans all start doing our business outdoors? Then the wall building is all for naught! So keep America strong I say! Build the factories! Ramp up the production! Roll out the toilet paper! We need to guarantee our American right to not only poop with paper but to poop with paper that is soft and plush and more than 2 ply!

Never again should Americans have to face a crisis, war, pandemic, toilet or Halloween without enough toilet paper for every red blooded American man, woman and child!

HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA!

The USA: We Don’t Deliver! or… Let Them Wear Bandannas!

21 Mar

Image result for Doctors Wearing Bandannas!

Doctors and nurses throughout the United States have been expressing an urgent need for more masks and personal protective gear in their ongoing struggle to fight and contain the Corona Virus outbreak here in the United States…but there have been shortages of these supplies and some hoarding by citizens who are not doctors or nurses.

When asked about how more face masks and other needed protective garments could be produced and sent to hospitals throughout the country President Trump responded by saying “We (the U.S. govt.) are not a delivery service.” He then suggested that each state’s governor should take charge of resupplying their own state.

Then when read a statement issued by the CDC about how doctors and nurses and other medical personnel should begin reusing whatever personal protective gear they have and even consider using bandannas as face-masks, the President replied: “I know nothing about that.” and then deferred to VP Mike Pence who even though he took the podium and spoke, knew nothing about that either.

It has been my observation (and perhaps yours?) while watching our Commander in Chief and his Vice President over the past few days that both seem to be a bit distracted or perhaps overwhelmed by what it is their jobs require them to do…as in care about an entire diverse country of people they are quite unfamiliar with.

I imagine the President dreaming of a golf course far, far away where he plays endlessly with friends and caddies of his own choosing none of whom ever get within three feet of his personal space…or his ball which he likes to move with reckless abandon. “Four! No, not fore. I mean as in not 5, like I got 4 on that hole.”

And I imagine the VP, as he stares lovingly into the back of the Presidents oddly coiffed head, wondering why he has yet to leave Earth in The Rapture that he is so sure should have taken place already…especially during these times of tribulation. “Am I raptured? What? Oh no, I have to speak? Damn! I mean Darn!…sorry no exclamation mark.”

Anyway, that’s what I think. Otherwise why would they look so lost and say such inane things?” Don’t they have advisers? Do they know that they come with the job? If they do have advisers do the advisers know that they are allowed to give advice? And do the experts that stand nearby while the POTUS and Vice POTUS¬† speak understand that we at home can see their expert eyes performing gymnastics inside their eye sockets?

Who directs these podium talks? Does no one proof read anymore?…

It has been said that Nero fiddled while Rome burned and that Marie Antoinette once said that her hungry subjects should try eating cake when they get hungry. Maybe those infamous leaders weren’t cruel after all. Maybe they were just really, really bored?

After all, it’s hard to care about strangers…especially in bulk… isn’t it?

Everybody was Kung-Flu Fighting

19 Mar

Trump coronavirus

Who can take a virus, mix it with some lies, re-name it just for fun and make 4 billion people cry?…

Apparently… The President and his White House can!

Yes, our fearless leader has done it again.

This morning I watched as our POTUS somberly announced that America would now be on a war footing as it organizes a more serious attempt to do combat with a deadly, silent, invisible killer: The Covid-19 virus.

However, by the late afternoon he had identified our invisible enemy as the “Chinese Virus” or for those a little less eloquent (like our POTUS) The Chi-Na Virus!…emphasis on the Chi or Ji as those even less eloquent (like our POTUS) are apt to pronounce it.

But of course, even later in the afternoon, that term had morphed further still and it was reported that folks inside The White House now refer to it as “The Kung-Flu”!

When asked, President Donald Trump said that he did not believe the term “kung-flu” and other discriminatory phrases would put Asian Americans at risk of xenophobic attacks amid the ongoing corona virus (its real name) pandemic. And he went on to say that he did not believe Asian Americans would be negatively affected by the use of the phrase.

“No, not at all,” The President said. “I think they’d probably agree with it 100%. It comes from China. There’s nothing not to agree on.”

Sadly I do not believe that most, if not all, Americans can tell where one Asian comes from and where another does not. The Spanish come from Mexico and Asians come from China. Ne c’est pas?

So when one is the president of a nation fighting the battle of their lives against an unseen and deadly foe, what do another 4.5 billion insulted human beings matter one way or the other?…I guess?

We’re just lucky the virus didn’t start in Russia. (I don’t see why it would) But if it did we wouldn’t know what to call it…other than Hillary’s virus or Obama’s monstrosity, or something like that.

Anyway I’m sure that Fox News will clear this all up for us in the morning when they direct us to where all of this fake news and liberal hoaxing began in the first place.

And many years from now on the anniversary of this trying time in our nation’s history I’m sure that Fox and Friends will fondly look back, smile at one another and then turn to the audience at home and say with a hearty laugh: “Hey! Remember that time many years ago when…

“Everybody was Kung-Flu fighting!” (Cue the Oriental music and everybody dance!) (Can’t you hear it? Can’t you see it?)

Sorry world…America is most likely here to stay.

 

 

 

mvschulze

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