Tag Archives: humor

Who Am I?!

27 May

This month I have to renew my New Jersey Driver’s License. 4 years ago, for the first time in my life (I’m 61) I needed to show 6 points of identification to prove my identity (which includes Birth Certificate, Social Security card, Voter Registration card, Utility Bills, Tax bills and my old Drivers License) and then have my picture taken so there would be no mistake that from that point on I was who I said I was. This was all done in 2011 as part of all of the states compliance with Homeland Security rules and regulations.

Here is the copy as it appears on the Homeland Security News Wire explaining just how sophisticated the new NJ driver’s licenses are.

In compliance with Secure ID, the federal law that mandates that states create more stringent identification cards, New Jersey has unveiled a sophisticated new driver’s license; according to New Jersey officials, the new Enhanced Digital Driver’s License puts New Jersey among the ten states with the most secure identity cards; to prevent counterfeiting, security features include an embedded pattern on the license, one and two dimensional bar codes, and “purposeful errors” like misspellings; to implement these new licenses, the state’s MVCs have had to undergo a $19 million upgrade to install new computer systems, hardware, and software.

Notice how NJ had to spend 19 million dollars to upgrade their software etc. But the new licenses had photos and embeds and bar codes to make them super secure and fraud preventive. So whenever I go to purchase my Claritin-D  all the pharmacist has to do is look at my face and compare it to the face on my license, then scan the back of my license which inputs everything there is to know about me into their pharmacy computers where then even the Federal government will be notified and able to track my pseudoephedrine purchases to make sure I’m just into allergies and not into crystal meth!

Anyway, my license is now expiring and I have to have it renewed…in person…at the NJ Motor vehicles office…And I have to bring my 6 points of ID with me, just like I did in 2012…to prove who I am!…Again!

Why can’t they just look at my face and then look at my Super Secure Homeland Security Specific NJ drivers license… with my face on it, and then scan the super secure embedded bar code on the back and say “Hey it’s You! Congratulations! Go home and have a nice day!”

Why do I have to go through the entire 6 point, prove who I am, like nobody but me knows, like you can’t see the face I’m wearing, that matches the drivers license I have, that I couldn’t have gotten, unless I had proven who I was, 4 years ago, so I could get the license that I’m holding in my hand now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently My NJ Drivers License proves who I am to everyone except the NJ Motor Vehicles Department! And they gave it to me in the first place when I proved to them who I was! These guys are worse than my bankers. Who also pretend to NOT know who I am whenever I go there to get some of my own money, that I could only put there by proving who I was!

So off I go tomorrow to hopefully once again prove who I am to bureaucrats with a short term memory offering the promise of a long term ID card that they can’t ever make good on.

I’ve got IDs up the wazoo and still nobody knows the me I really am! Do I? Does anyone?

All I can say is… Thanks a lot Alzheimer bin-Laden!

 

We Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet!?

25 May

This past Sunday morning on Fox News Donald Trump declared “I don’t want to have guns in classrooms, although in some cases teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly.”

Therefore: If guns aren’t allowed in classrooms

But: Teachers should have guns in classrooms

Then: Teachers should not be allowed in classrooms.

Just like the “Newspeak” of George Orwell’s 1984… Welcome to Trump-Speak 2016… where all that is spoken can be interpreted to mean all things to all people. Is he for it or against it? Yes! Of course he is!

And how about hoisting life size posters of the new first lady Melania at the entrances to all public school buildings to let would be attackers know that they should beware what awaits them inside, and to let all school children know that “Big Mother” will be protecting them?

And these are real photos…albeit taken 15 years ago but still… Not even George Orwell, nor “The Fonz” while jumping that shark, …could see this coming!

<p>If the Donald makes it into office, he won’t need to bother with hiring secret service: he’s already married to a lingerie-clad “Terminator.” <i>(Photo: British GQ)</i></p>

Guns and Diapers

2 Apr

Gun sales in the USA are through the roof with 23 million new gun permits applied for in 2015! Americans, apparently, are nervous. Here in the land of plenty, the most prosperous and powerful nation on the Earth, the nation that extends its imperial arm across the globe like no other nation in the history of the planet…we, the people, are afraid…of something.

But what is it that we are afraid of? An eventual gun shortage? A mob of Mexicans flooding across the border to take our jobs before the great wall gets built? Isis and the Muslim horde come to take revenge for our Middle East transgressions? An LGBT explosion accompanied by forced mass gay marriage? An abortion epidemic? The possible election of a woman named Hillary? Our own government gone mad with regulation?

You’d think we’d be happy… ruling the world, kicking ass and taking names, using 25% of the world’s everything while being only 5% of the world’s anybodies… having 500 channels to choose from…plus the internet… and Netflix…and all at our phone fingertips!

So why all the guns? Is it because we really need to make America great again and this time America needs our help? Is it because Donald Trump is everywhere…telling us that we’re not great? I know that the media can’t figure it out. Our trained professional journalists keep putting him on television and then, quite disingenuously,  can’t  seem to figure out why he’s always on television.

And then whenever he says something incorrect or untrue, rather than challenge him or point out to the American people that what he has said is completely false…they simply move on to the next question.

But you have to admit that Mr. Trump does put on a good show. He’s been in the television business for quite sometime now and he understands all too well the power of outrageous spectacle and a populous that can’t get enough of unrealistic “reality” programming. He’s created a larger than life character that’s helped turn the Republican party into a late night infomercial and he has most Republicans running scared too.

Republicans have been selling hate, bigotry, fear and misogyny for quite sometime now but apparently they didn’t want to sell it right out in the open and so cheaply like “The Donald” is doing it. I do believe they prefer the more subtle, back alley, smoke filled room approach.

In any event many American citizens are now finding themselves frightened and fixing for a fight as guns are flying off the shelves in a country that already has the most guns per capita in the history of the world! Even the patriotic 17th century American militia minuteman would be hard pressed to interpret the 2nd Amendment this liberally (or is it conservatively?)

But where do the diapers fit into this story? Well along with guns, diapers have seen a 43% rise in sales since last year! Everybody’s buying them! Are we having more children in the USA hence we need more guns? Nope the diapers that I am referring to are of the adult variety! Yep, guns and adult diaper sales are surging all over America.

And so it’s come to this: An aging American population, living in the greatest democracy in the history of the world, is sitting at home, staring out the window, with guns in hands, irrationally frightened of impending doom…and literally crapping their pants!?

Perhaps it’s also finally come time in America… to turn off the TV? Because if we’ve learned anything about a good television program, we know that it’s the suspense that’s going to kill us. Unfortunately we also know that we just can’t wait to see how it ends.

So have fun crapping your pants everybody! And try not to shoot yourself in the process!

Goodnight…and good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump/Bunny 2016?

22 Mar

https://i2.wp.com/media.breitbart.com/media/2016/03/mall-Easter-bunny-brawl-facebook-640x480.jpg

New Jersey may just have found the perfect running mate for Donald Trump, should he secure the Republican nomination for president. It’s the The Easter bunny! Who recently got caught up in a mall brawl, Trump Style,  in New Jersey (of all places?!) this weekend.

It all started when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of her chair after posing for a photo with the bunny. The girl’s father reportedly shouted at the 22-year-old man in the costume, then started throwing punches. That’s when the man in the bunny costume took to action in his best Trumpian fashion, threw off his white bunny gloves, and began to throw punches of his own at the protesting dad.

How dare that father barge into an Easter celebration unannounced! This is America after all! Get your own show if you want to be in the spotlight…Everybunny knows that!

And as all New Jerseyans know, You’re nobunny till somebunny hits you! So Chris Christie, fuhgeddaboudit!

It’s all the way with Trump/Bunny 2016!

 

 

 

Penis not Included?

6 Mar

To Womb it may concern:

I keep seeing Facebook and Blog posts here and there about how Hillary Clinton is not the right choice for President of the United States because of the man she is married to and that any respectable woman fit for the Presidency would have divorced him by now…

So I wonder, are we to believe that because a man improperly used his penis, his wife is not Presidential material? Do we judge a woman by the man she is married too and if so, do we value or devalue men in the same way?

Over on the Republican side we have 3 men who all claim that their penises are the proper size for governing, as if such a measurement standard exists let alone has any validity. They are even arguing over whose penis is larger and who has used it the most! Donald Trump has used it to attract 3 wives already while Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have only had 1 wife each.

Does that fact devalue the Trump wives or raise the value of Mses Cruz and Rubio…and is this really how we measure people? In any case they all seem to agree that owning and operating a properly sized penis correctly (politically speaking) is a prerequisite for seeking the highest political post in the free world.

Does Hillary (or any other woman) need to have a penis surgically attached to her anatomy (or one removed from her husband) in order to make her a valid candidate for President of the USA? Both options are medically possible and even acceptable now by a majority of American citizens…Does man in fact complete and define woman?

Or can a woman in the United States of America, here in the 21st century, actually possess the capabilities, intelligence and gravitas necessary to lead the country and the free world, with husband in tow, regardless of discussing said husband’s accomplishments or lack thereof, with or without penis, to become the First Woman President of the United States…

Or is First Lady, the best a woman in America can and should ever do?

I do believe that this fall we Americans will have the chance to actually answer that question for the first time in our history and while I do not know what the answer to that question will ultimately be, I am fairly certain that should Hillary Clinton win, her husband will be the first spouse in the White House to have a penis…

So America, if a penis you must have…there’s always that.

A Big, Fat Shadow

4 Mar

Former Republican nominee for President of the United States, Mitt Romney, spoke about this year’s leading Republican candidate for the presidential nomination. “Here’s what I know: Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud, and his promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. He’s playing members of the American public for suckers: He gets a free ride to the White House”…

Then he added…”dishonesty is Donald Trump’s hallmark, the bullying, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics.”

And New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, 261 days absent from his job, thought to himself…

Hey, Me too!…

Fear and Loathing in the 21st Century

29 Feb

I was recently reading an article about women and the Islamic culture and came across the word Burqini, which I had never heard or seen before, but I was intrigued and like any curious male just had to see what one looked like. Was it a sexy version of the more popular burqa? Oh yes, it was! Just take a look…

It’s described as: “A high quality ladies swimwear for Muslim, Hindu, and Jewish women. A four-piece swim wear with separate cap and hijab to the top. This fine piece of clothing also consists of long sleeves and a long trouser, that has a band attached to the end to prevent it from flowing backwards, preserving modesty.” Which led me to thinking:

Wow! Is this a style of swimwear that women developed themselves for a fun and relaxing day at the beach? It looks to me like a wet-suit sans scuba gear, more suitable for underwater than on top of the water…let alone on top of the sand, in the hot sun, on a warm summer’s day, (and it even comes with straps and tie downs just in case a wave comes by and exposes your…I’m sorry but I have absolutely no idea what could possibly cause this garment to expose anything)…but what do I know about women? I’m just a man. Which led me to thinking:

What’s the matter with men?! And why do we do such horrible things to women in the name of God? For the design of the burqini is intended to comply with the Quranic admonition for Muslim women (and other women of various religious orthodoxies) to dress modestly…but whose definition of modest is this? I’m all for freedom to do as one pleases and if it pleases you to dress up in a hooded sweatshirt and pajamas when going to the beach, then so be it…but if it’s someone elses idea of modesty forced upon you because they think God’s going to have a heart attack if you show some skin then…

I mean seriously, Does anyone really believe that God actually said, “Let there be light!” And then when he could finally see what was what, decided to create man in his own likeness and image and then created woman to be man’s companion and looked at her and said, “Oh my! What have I done to my penis?!” And so then ordained (by way of male prophets) to cover up this monstrosity of his creation for all time?

What kind of fear and loathing of the human body (or of women) and the natural processes by which it survives, resides inside the brains of the men who make up these rules and regulations? And what kind of hell must the poor women who live inside these garment prisons endure?

Which then got me to thinking: Vote for Hillary Clinton to be the next President of the United States. Finally placing a woman atop the leading Democracy in the modern world just might be the best thing to happen to the people of this planet since it first began dizzily spinning on its axis…6,000 or so years ago! ( another ridiculous religious factoid undoubtedly calculated by a man, counting on his fingers, while holding onto his manhood)

 

 

 

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