Tag Archives: humor

The Other Homeland Security?

24 Nov

Senior citizens won’t be getting any raises in their Social Security checks next year. There will be no Cost of Living Adjustment for about 65 million Senior Citizens in 2016. That’s the first time in 5 years because…well, you know, the cost of living has gone down. Hasn’t it?

The inflation measure used by the Social Security Administration was down 0.6% for the 12 months that ended in September — and what does the SSA base it’s inflation measure on?…Gas prices of course!

Because…well, you know…what senior citizens do the most is…drive around, right? It’s not like paying the rent or eating, or medicine or health care are on their lists of top priorities. Nope. It’s like they always say: Fuel is wasted on the young.

Anyway, while those seniors can gas up their cars next year with no worries, they’ll have to do without their annual 22 dollar per month raise! That doesn’t sound like a lot but, then again, when you multiply 22 dollars by 65 million?  well, that sure is a lot of extra money to help fight the bad guys with, whoever and wherever they might be.

And Thankfully, here in the U.S. we’ve all got our priorities straight. Happy motoring!

Who’s Responsible for This?

30 Sep
 Nasa’s Curiosity rover

Have you heard that NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter has discovered flowing water on Mars!? And where their is water there is possibly life! And if their is life on Mars what does this say about the origins of life in our Universe? The possibilities for debates between American scientists and theologians will be endless.

NASA would like to investigate further and of course goes to great lengths to make sure that its surface probes are free of any microbial spores before they land on Mars lest they contaminate the very planet on which they are seeking life. But Of course accidents do happen and should life be discovered on Mars by the nearest NASA land probe to the possible water source on Mars, within the next few months say, you know what that will mean?

Somehow poor Hillary is going to have an awful lot of explaining to do… to an awful lot of Republican committees!

Dirty Little Secret in the Garden State?

11 Jun

Is the New Jersey cat out of the bag? Do we finally know where all of those missing bodies have gone? Is this the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa…may he rest in pavement?

This is a photo of a sign that can be seen on a construction site along the Garden State Parkway here in my beloved state of New Jersey. For years it has been rumored that Southern Jersey was the veritable dumping ground for bodies that Northern Jersey had grown tired of… Have you seen the Sopranos?

Could it be that have we grown so jaded here in the 21st century that secrecy is no longer needed? Do our New Jersey skeletons no longer require closets? And has anyone told Governor Christie about this?! Because I’m not sure he watches, nor cares to watch, the channel 12 news.

Anyway, this sign reminds me of an old New Jersey advertising slogan…with a slightly newer twist…

“New Jersey and You: Buried together!”

They don’t call us the “Garden State” for nothin’…I suppose gardens do need their fertilizer as do parkways their fill.

And please drive safely…

It’s All In the Head!

19 May

My best advice for education reform now and in the future is to take care of the children and simply this…”Parents and children of the world! Protect the head!

Forget about mandatory seat belts and car seats and bicycle helmets for young children. It’s too late by then. I say mandatory helmets for all newborns, not to be removed until the age of ten! We’ll have to develop some new age material that will be form fitting and fashionable of course and impervious to assault from small animals, siblings and adults who like to shake, shake, shake… shake their kids silly, but we can do it!

How did I arrive at this startling realization that the head is our most important teaching and learning tool? One day during class it occurred to me to ask one of my lower track freshmen classes, after a particularly hard day of trying to get them to understand the concept of sitting still, if perhaps any of them had ever suffered from head trauma as a young child? Blank stares filled the room and not one hand was raised. Briefly confused myself, I quickly realized my mistake and explained that trauma meant getting smacked upside the head.

That’s when every hand shot up into the air.

“Oh sure, said one boy, my brother hit me in the head with a baseball bat!”

“When did that happen?” I asked.

“Everyday when I was 6!” came his answer.

“Me too!” Said another boy, but it was my dad who hit me. Mom tried to protect me though. She said, hit him in the ass you idiot.”

“I fell down the stairs! Lots!” said a young girl.

“I fell out of the car.”

“I ran through the sliding door window!”

“I liked to hit myself with my shoes! Said another girl. That’s when I got my first pair of sneakers and went to the “Little Genius Academy”. I used to be a genius you know.”

And that’s when I knew I was on to something. All of my poorly performing, low achieving, attention demanding students had all suffered head trauma at an early age and some consistently! In every class, when I asked my students this question, almost always, all hands went up. It was their one common bond (besides being scatterbrained).

So I say this to all parents and children everywhere. Protect the head! At all times!  It’s the only one you’ve got and you’re going to need it every day!

How to Defeat Aliens and Save the World

14 Oct

Something occurred to me last night while watching television…

If you watch a lot of television like I do (I admit it) then you may have noticed what I have noticed. In all police dramas, police officers always carry handguns and the bad guys that they face almost always carry machine guns of one variety or another. But no matter how many rounds the bad guys fire, they never hit any policemen. And when the police officer finally returns fire he/she always hits his target.

Now, in all science fiction shows the good guys (usually military) almost always carry machine guns (of one type or another) while defending the planet Earth or when traveling to distant worlds (also to defend planet Earth). And the Aliens always use strange and deadly laser weapons of one kind or another. But…no matter how many times those aliens use their powerfully advanced laser weapons they never hit any Earthlings (besides hitting everything else). And when the humans return fire with their machine guns…well, it’s always bad news for the aliens. And no matter what alien race we meet and no matter how advanced their alien species may be, those aliens have never ever seen a machine gun nor developed any defense against them.

Has anyone else ever noticed this?

So handgun defeats machine gun defeats alien, ergo: any policeman could defeat any alien!

According to the United Nations the world employs about 300 police officers for every 100 thousand citizens so that means we have about 21 million law enforcement officers in the world with guns.

This is what 50+ years of watching television has taught me: the planet Earth is safe from aliens!

So, People of Earth, rest easy…at least as far as an alien invasion goes…everything else? Go ahead and worry…

Where Have all the Fauna Gone?

8 Oct

Perhaps you have heard about or read about this: Half the Earth’s animals – birds, reptiles, amphibians and fish, have disappeared between 1970 and 2010, according to a new report from the World Wildlife Fund…and they don’t mean disappeared as in hiding, but rather disappeared as in no longer living on the planet! Two years ago they estimated the decline at 30 percent so we humans have really stepped up our exterminating efforts lately.

Actually I cheated and rounded out the decline. It’s really 52% and if you’re a fisherman the decline in fresh-water fish is even worse at 75%…so fishermen, start throwing them back!

PLANET EARTH!: Now with 60% fewer elephants and lions! Oh my!

And wouldn’t you know it, The situation is worst in poorer countries because richer nations actually saw a 10 per cent increase in wildlife numbers. So the rich get richer…even in animals! The report blames the animal loss on human activity, including deforestation, overfishing and hunting, and climate change…if you believe in such things. It seems that rich countries outsource biodiversity loss to poor countries by buying products, such as palm oil, etc. that are unsustainable…and I’m sure they do lots of other things too, like drilling and digging and fracking and slashing and burning and pillaging and other fun stuff…far away from where the wealthy folks live.

But don’t despair… because what do we have more of since 1974? We have more Humans! We’ve gone from 4 billion to 7 billion with a bullet…that’s almost 100% more humans…in just 40 years. So on the bright side, while being human has become more superfluous, being an animal has become more special! Or is that the dark side? Anyway, Back in 1955 when I was born I was 1 in 2,755,823,000…now I’m just 1 in 7,265,872,000. I’m becoming more and more insignificant everyday!

The report also ranked countries by their “ecological footprint”, which is the area of land each person needs to support their lifestyle. Being a Qatari is the worst, or most wasteful or most special, depending upon how you look at such things, because the lifestyle of each Qatari requires 25 acres of resources. The average American only requires about 17 and a half acres while Brits need a measly 12.5. The lowest ecological footprint was in East Timor at a mere one and one quarter acre per person. Ahhh, if only we could all live like East Timorians! (How do they live, I wonder?)

The report went on to add that If all people on the planet had the footprint of the average resident of Qatar, we would need 4.8 planets just to sustain ourselves…Those wasteful Qataris! We Americans could do it with just 3 and 1/3 Earths! Besides, most of us Americans don’t even know where Qataris and Qatar are, let alone how to live like one.

So What are we poor humans to do? Our world’s human population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine and the Black Death in 1350, that was over 600 and 60 years ago! Since then we’ve done our best to control our own growth. We’ve tried religious wars, colonial wars, world wars, slavery. genocide, ethnic cleansing, holocausts, eugenics…but all to no avail. Ever since we solved our difficulties with food production and disease Our human population just keeps on keepin’ on…I suppose nothing can control animal populations like famine and disease can.

And get this. I recently read in a New York Times article that Louisiana loses one acre of land every hour to erosion, sea level rise and wetlands destruction. Thanks in part (and a big part) to our never ending search for more fossil fuels through drilling, fracking and extraction. But can you blame us? We all just want to live more comfortable, happy and exciting lives with the best technologies available for a modern society… can you blame us? Can you stop us? Can we stop ourselves? And that’s just land we’re losing in Louisiana, USA. What about the rest of the world’s land liquidation in the name of progress?

Did you happen to see that photo recently of the 35,000 walruses that came together in record numbers off Alaska’s northwest coast because they couldn’t find enough sea ice to rest on. That can’t be a good sign for anyone, let alone walruses.

PLANET EARTH: Now with 10% less earth!

How will it all end and where will we go from here? Today in the mail I received a brochure to attend a free Bible study class where we can discuss the exciting “End Times” that we are all living in. Whoopee! There’s a positive answer to our problems, which perhaps, according to my brochure, aren’t problems at all?

If you ask politicians they’ll say, “Endless growth is what we need!” Ask theologians and they’ll say, “Endless bounty and dominion over the Earth and its animals is what we’ve been promised!” Ask Red Lobster and they’ll say, “Endless Shrimp!” They can’t all be right…something’s gotta give sometime…doesn’t it?

Isn’t this all at least very interesting…and frightening? Will we humans finally learn to live more humbly and in harmony with each other and our mother, Earth? Will we all finally learn how to share and share alike with each other and with all of God’s creatures… or are we humans simply just modern age dinosaurs waiting to go not so quietly into that meteoric light of someone or something elses brand new day?

So Stay tuned!…because… whether you are interested or simply find this all quite droll and utterly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, considering all of the troubles you have already… How can you not? We Earthlings are a captive audience! We’ve no place else to go!

Now Playing: PLANET EARTH: In its 4.54th billionth season! And still…The only Planet in town!

The Greatest Dick in the World

27 Sep


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