Tag Archives: humor

Guns and Diapers

2 Apr

Gun sales in the USA are through the roof with 23 million new gun permits applied for in 2015! Americans, apparently, are nervous. Here in the land of plenty, the most prosperous and powerful nation on the Earth, the nation that extends its imperial arm across the globe like no other nation in the history of the planet…we, the people, are afraid…of something.

But what is it that we are afraid of? An eventual gun shortage? A mob of Mexicans flooding across the border to take our jobs before the great wall gets built? Isis and the Muslim horde come to take revenge for our Middle East transgressions? An LGBT explosion accompanied by forced mass gay marriage? An abortion epidemic? The possible election of a woman named Hillary? Our own government gone mad with regulation?

You’d think we’d be happy… ruling the world, kicking ass and taking names, using 25% of the world’s everything while being only 5% of the world’s anybodies… having 500 channels to choose from…plus the internet… and Netflix…and all at our phone fingertips!

So why all the guns? Is it because we really need to make America great again and this time America needs our help? Is it because Donald Trump is everywhere…telling us that we’re not great? I know that the media can’t figure it out. Our trained professional journalists keep putting him on television and then, quite disingenuously,  can’t  seem to figure out why he’s always on television.

And then whenever he says something incorrect or untrue, rather than challenge him or point out to the American people that what he has said is completely false…they simply move on to the next question.

But you have to admit that Mr. Trump does put on a good show. He’s been in the television business for quite sometime now and he understands all too well the power of outrageous spectacle and a populous that can’t get enough of unrealistic “reality” programming. He’s created a larger than life character that’s helped turn the Republican party into a late night infomercial and he has most Republicans running scared too.

Republicans have been selling hate, bigotry, fear and misogyny for quite sometime now but apparently they didn’t want to sell it right out in the open and so cheaply like “The Donald” is doing it. I do believe they prefer the more subtle, back alley, smoke filled room approach.

In any event many American citizens are now finding themselves frightened and fixing for a fight as guns are flying off the shelves in a country that already has the most guns per capita in the history of the world! Even the patriotic 17th century American militia minuteman would be hard pressed to interpret the 2nd Amendment this liberally (or is it conservatively?)

But where do the diapers fit into this story? Well along with guns, diapers have seen a 43% rise in sales since last year! Everybody’s buying them! Are we having more children in the USA hence we need more guns? Nope the diapers that I am referring to are of the adult variety! Yep, guns and adult diaper sales are surging all over America.

And so it’s come to this: An aging American population, living in the greatest democracy in the history of the world, is sitting at home, staring out the window, with guns in hands, irrationally frightened of impending doom…and literally crapping their pants!?

Perhaps it’s also finally come time in America… to turn off the TV? Because if we’ve learned anything about a good television program, we know that it’s the suspense that’s going to kill us. Unfortunately we also know that we just can’t wait to see how it ends.

So have fun crapping your pants everybody! And try not to shoot yourself in the process!

Goodnight…and good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump/Bunny 2016?

22 Mar

https://i2.wp.com/media.breitbart.com/media/2016/03/mall-Easter-bunny-brawl-facebook-640x480.jpg

New Jersey may just have found the perfect running mate for Donald Trump, should he secure the Republican nomination for president. It’s the The Easter bunny! Who recently got caught up in a mall brawl, Trump Style,  in New Jersey (of all places?!) this weekend.

It all started when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of her chair after posing for a photo with the bunny. The girl’s father reportedly shouted at the 22-year-old man in the costume, then started throwing punches. That’s when the man in the bunny costume took to action in his best Trumpian fashion, threw off his white bunny gloves, and began to throw punches of his own at the protesting dad.

How dare that father barge into an Easter celebration unannounced! This is America after all! Get your own show if you want to be in the spotlight…Everybunny knows that!

And as all New Jerseyans know, You’re nobunny till somebunny hits you! So Chris Christie, fuhgeddaboudit!

It’s all the way with Trump/Bunny 2016!

 

 

 

Penis not Included?

6 Mar

To Womb it may concern:

I keep seeing Facebook and Blog posts here and there about how Hillary Clinton is not the right choice for President of the United States because of the man she is married to and that any respectable woman fit for the Presidency would have divorced him by now…

So I wonder, are we to believe that because a man improperly used his penis, his wife is not Presidential material? Do we judge a woman by the man she is married too and if so, do we value or devalue men in the same way?

Over on the Republican side we have 3 men who all claim that their penises are the proper size for governing, as if such a measurement standard exists let alone has any validity. They are even arguing over whose penis is larger and who has used it the most! Donald Trump has used it to attract 3 wives already while Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have only had 1 wife each.

Does that fact devalue the Trump wives or raise the value of Mses Cruz and Rubio…and is this really how we measure people? In any case they all seem to agree that owning and operating a properly sized penis correctly (politically speaking) is a prerequisite for seeking the highest political post in the free world.

Does Hillary (or any other woman) need to have a penis surgically attached to her anatomy (or one removed from her husband) in order to make her a valid candidate for President of the USA? Both options are medically possible and even acceptable now by a majority of American citizens…Does man in fact complete and define woman?

Or can a woman in the United States of America, here in the 21st century, actually possess the capabilities, intelligence and gravitas necessary to lead the country and the free world, with husband in tow, regardless of discussing said husband’s accomplishments or lack thereof, with or without penis, to become the First Woman President of the United States…

Or is First Lady, the best a woman in America can and should ever do?

I do believe that this fall we Americans will have the chance to actually answer that question for the first time in our history and while I do not know what the answer to that question will ultimately be, I am fairly certain that should Hillary Clinton win, her husband will be the first spouse in the White House to have a penis…

So America, if a penis you must have…there’s always that.

A Big, Fat Shadow

4 Mar

Former Republican nominee for President of the United States, Mitt Romney, spoke about this year’s leading Republican candidate for the presidential nomination. “Here’s what I know: Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud, and his promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. He’s playing members of the American public for suckers: He gets a free ride to the White House”…

Then he added…”dishonesty is Donald Trump’s hallmark, the bullying, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics.”

And New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, 261 days absent from his job, thought to himself…

Hey, Me too!…

Fear and Loathing in the 21st Century

29 Feb

I was recently reading an article about women and the Islamic culture and came across the word Burqini, which I had never heard or seen before, but I was intrigued and like any curious male just had to see what one looked like. Was it a sexy version of the more popular burqa? Oh yes, it was! Just take a look…

It’s described as: “A high quality ladies swimwear for Muslim, Hindu, and Jewish women. A four-piece swim wear with separate cap and hijab to the top. This fine piece of clothing also consists of long sleeves and a long trouser, that has a band attached to the end to prevent it from flowing backwards, preserving modesty.” Which led me to thinking:

Wow! Is this a style of swimwear that women developed themselves for a fun and relaxing day at the beach? It looks to me like a wet-suit sans scuba gear, more suitable for underwater than on top of the water…let alone on top of the sand, in the hot sun, on a warm summer’s day, (and it even comes with straps and tie downs just in case a wave comes by and exposes your…I’m sorry but I have absolutely no idea what could possibly cause this garment to expose anything)…but what do I know about women? I’m just a man. Which led me to thinking:

What’s the matter with men?! And why do we do such horrible things to women in the name of God? For the design of the burqini is intended to comply with the Quranic admonition for Muslim women (and other women of various religious orthodoxies) to dress modestly…but whose definition of modest is this? I’m all for freedom to do as one pleases and if it pleases you to dress up in a hooded sweatshirt and pajamas when going to the beach, then so be it…but if it’s someone elses idea of modesty forced upon you because they think God’s going to have a heart attack if you show some skin then…

I mean seriously, Does anyone really believe that God actually said, “Let there be light!” And then when he could finally see what was what, decided to create man in his own likeness and image and then created woman to be man’s companion and looked at her and said, “Oh my! What have I done to my penis?!” And so then ordained (by way of male prophets) to cover up this monstrosity of his creation for all time?

What kind of fear and loathing of the human body (or of women) and the natural processes by which it survives, resides inside the brains of the men who make up these rules and regulations? And what kind of hell must the poor women who live inside these garment prisons endure?

Which then got me to thinking: Vote for Hillary Clinton to be the next President of the United States. Finally placing a woman atop the leading Democracy in the modern world just might be the best thing to happen to the people of this planet since it first began dizzily spinning on its axis…6,000 or so years ago! ( another ridiculous religious factoid undoubtedly calculated by a man, counting on his fingers, while holding onto his manhood)

 

 

 

Star Stuff

10 Feb

 

 

It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. We earthlings have been visiting space for almost 60 years now and this is what we’ve made of it…space that is.

Above is an actual image from the NASA Goddard Flight Space Center. I can remember sitting on the front stoop of our home in New Jersey with my mom and looking up into the evening sky to see if we could spot Sputnik, the Russian satellite that was the first of its kind in orbit around Earth, and as far as we knew, the only thing.

I was 4 years old then. Now look at what we’ve left up there…so far

Right now, more than half a million pieces of man-made space junk are orbiting our planet Earth. And about 23,000 of those pieces are the size of a softball or larger. More than 21,000 pieces of orbital debris larger than 10 cm are known to exist and the number of particles smaller than 1 cm exceeds 100 million!

I know that doesn’t mean much to those of us Earthlings who have no plans to ever leave our atmosphere but some scientists are now predicting that if some of us don’t leave soon, no one ever will because it will be impossible for one of our spacecraft to make it safely past all of the junk.

On the bright side it should make it a bit harder for aliens to attack us, although why they would want to visit or take over this mess of a planet is beyond me… Unless of course they offer a cleaning service…and cheap!

But what is sobering about the above photo is that the outside of our planet, dirty as it is, is a lot cleaner than the inside because Scientists also predict that by 2050 our oceans will be mostly plastic!

One thing you can say for us humans…and sadly perhaps the only consistent trait we’ve ever displayed…We sure know how to pollute, defile and otherwise desecrate a very pretty place… don’t we?

 

Route 666?

6 Feb

I don’t know if you like our current President of the United States or not but it’s OK if you don’t. Not everyone agrees on everything or about everyone. I for one thought that the previous POTUS, George W. Bush, was a horrible president, but he was our president and the office and the man deserve as much respect as our country does. That’s how America works. We vote and we accept the majority decision. Don’t we?

What I don’t understand however, is how so many people can hate and vilify and say such particularly awful things about the man who has served faithfully and diligently as our current president by: Saying he’s not an American, implying that he is from some other country. Saying he’s not a patriot, implying that his main goal has always been to do the USA harm. Saying he’s not a Christian, implying that his life has been a complete lie and that to be anything other than a Christian is to be something terrible and unholy….and on and on and on…

Now, the great Michell Bachmann, A Republican politician, and former member of the United States House of Representatives, who represented Minnesota’s 6th congressional district from 2007 to 2015, no less, has come forth to tell the public that she knows what President Obama’s next job will be. (Once he has completed serving his 2nd elected term as POTUS)

President Obama will become the one (and only?) Antichrist…of course! For it is written and Michelle B. has read it…in where else? The Bible of course! She predicts that he will be elected as president of the U.N. and from there commence to take over the world. Certainly! Isn’t it obvious based on the way he has run the country over the past 8 years?

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone ever name the Antichrist before…you know…by an actual name…of a living person. But we do live during the end times and everything could go at any moment and the President’s name is Barack Hussein Obama, with an emphasis on the Hussein, which is a dead give away for his being the Antichrist. It was so obvious! Why didn’t I see it before? It’s as plain as the goat horns on the Antichrist’s head!

Anyway, Michelle B. won’t have to worry too much because she’ll be long gone by the time our current President gets to his real job of setting fire to the entire world. She’ll be gone in the Rapture you know and up there in Heaven watching the whole show from the front row along with the likes of George W. and Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Sara Palin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and other loyal Americans and true loving Christians. They’ll all be there with her shaking their heads and saying we told you so, while we all burn in the hell fires of damnation here on Earth.

Why do folks like Ms. Bachmann hate President Obama so much? And hate the world and most of the people in it as much as they do? Is that the kind of “good hate” that gets one a ticket to the Rapture and a condo in Heaven? And how can folks like her all be so sure? And sure enough to say it out loud on a national radio program like it’s important and real news? And not just the hateful, spiteful, racist, sick drivel that it so obviously is?

Are they reading the same kind of Bible that I am?

If this was all God’s/Christ’s intelligent design in the first place what do we need an Antichrist/Antigod for? Wouldn’t that just be a design flaw or redundancy? I mean really, If you’re going to go to all of the trouble to design the universe with an expiration date… Why not just take credit for its destruction yourself?

But once again I digress, because I know…it’s questions like that that are going to get me left behind….in the first place.

 

 

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