Tag Archives: humor

The 2nd Amendment Isn’t the Only Amendment

30 Aug

Image result for 1st amendment

And all Americans should know that as can be attested to by the 2nd Amendment’s name…

San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s has refused to stand during recitations of the national anthem at football games in a personal attempt to protest police brutality in the United States. Consequently this has many conservative Americans up in arms, including Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.

Which I find quite interesting because conservatives are supposed to be the ones who have less of an inclination towards change or liberal interpretations… of, say… the Constitution of the United States of America! As in the 1st Amendment which guarantees freedom of speech and the right to peaceably protest without fear of government reprisal.

So Mr. Kaepernick would like to protest, which is his 1st Amendment right to do so, in front of America’s football fans, just like he has the right to carry a gun and shoot himself in front of America if he so chooses. And you can bet that Conservatives all across this great land would defend his right to do just that (after having staged the appropriate moment of silence before prying said gun out of his cold dead hands)

But when Mr. Kaepernick exercises his 1st Amendment right to free speech and protest, so called Conservative pundits are going hog wild with apoplexy and are making comments like. “How dare he!” “He’s UN-American!””He must be a Muslim!” “But I thought his parents were white?”(which of course is a prerequisite for American contentment?)

And then even that great Constitutional scholar, Donald Trump, chimed in with “Why doesn’t he go find another country?” (Also his immigration policy)

Yes, we live in the land of the free and the home of the brave but how dare anyone be brave enough to exercise their freedom  by protesting that which they find disturbing or inequitable about their government or country.

This is America after all so sit down and shut up… or rather stand up and place your hand over your heart and shut up…no don’t shut up. Just sing! About the ramparts and the red glare and about how the country fought for its freedoms because freedom isn’t free and that’s why we have the 2nd Amendment, which is the only really true and important amendment, so when you get frustrated and angry with your government that you feel no longer serves the people you can go out and get your gun and then just shut up and shoot someone…

No wait…that can’t be right can it???

Damn liberals!

 

 

Crapology

7 Jun

Did you know that 2.5 billion people in the world do not have regular access to a toilet? And of those 2.5 billion people over 1 million of them poop in the wild! That’s 1 out of every 3 people without a toilet, and 1 in 7 dumping au naturel…

This is the 21st century isn’t it?

Right now my country (the USA) is debating whether or not to spend over 1 trillion dollars to upgrade our nuclear weapons arsenal…so that we can defend ourselves against who? Outdoor crappers? I know that our presidential candidates want to “Bomb the shit out of “them”… but are we not already spending enough on scaring the shit out of them? Right where they already stand?

And after all, In 2014, even in the U.S. almost half a million households still did not have complete plumbing facilities; defined as having access to hot and cold running water, a toilet that flushes, and a shower or bathtub.

Not to mention Flint, Michigan and 2,000 other cities across all of our 50 states that have excessive levels of lead in their water! Who wants to drink that?!

And yet we have soldiers stationed in silos all across the U.S. just waiting for the word to push the button so as to defend our society by blowing the rest of the people of this world… into the stone age…where apparently 1/3 of them already live!

I say, make toilets not war. Let America lead everyone to the bathroom and not the battlefield! And let’s fix our infrastructure and water pipes while we’re at it too…and let’s stop being afraid of everyone else, especially whether or not the toilet you are using (that is if you are lucky enough to have one) matches the sexual organ in other people’s pants or under their dresses.

Go poop in the woods like everyone else if it worries you so much!

 

 

 

 

Who Am I?!

27 May

This month I have to renew my New Jersey Driver’s License. 4 years ago, for the first time in my life (I’m 61) I needed to show 6 points of identification to prove my identity (which includes Birth Certificate, Social Security card, Voter Registration card, Utility Bills, Tax bills and my old Drivers License) and then have my picture taken so there would be no mistake that from that point on I was who I said I was. This was all done in 2011 as part of all of the states compliance with Homeland Security rules and regulations.

Here is the copy as it appears on the Homeland Security News Wire explaining just how sophisticated the new NJ driver’s licenses are.

In compliance with Secure ID, the federal law that mandates that states create more stringent identification cards, New Jersey has unveiled a sophisticated new driver’s license; according to New Jersey officials, the new Enhanced Digital Driver’s License puts New Jersey among the ten states with the most secure identity cards; to prevent counterfeiting, security features include an embedded pattern on the license, one and two dimensional bar codes, and “purposeful errors” like misspellings; to implement these new licenses, the state’s MVCs have had to undergo a $19 million upgrade to install new computer systems, hardware, and software.

Notice how NJ had to spend 19 million dollars to upgrade their software etc. But the new licenses had photos and embeds and bar codes to make them super secure and fraud preventive. So whenever I go to purchase my Claritin-D  all the pharmacist has to do is look at my face and compare it to the face on my license, then scan the back of my license which inputs everything there is to know about me into their pharmacy computers where then even the Federal government will be notified and able to track my pseudoephedrine purchases to make sure I’m just into allergies and not into crystal meth!

Anyway, my license is now expiring and I have to have it renewed…in person…at the NJ Motor vehicles office…And I have to bring my 6 points of ID with me, just like I did in 2012…to prove who I am!…Again!

Why can’t they just look at my face and then look at my Super Secure Homeland Security Specific NJ drivers license… with my face on it, and then scan the super secure embedded bar code on the back and say “Hey it’s You! Congratulations! Go home and have a nice day!”

Why do I have to go through the entire 6 point, prove who I am, like nobody but me knows, like you can’t see the face I’m wearing, that matches the drivers license I have, that I couldn’t have gotten, unless I had proven who I was, 4 years ago, so I could get the license that I’m holding in my hand now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently My NJ Drivers License proves who I am to everyone except the NJ Motor Vehicles Department! And they gave it to me in the first place when I proved to them who I was! These guys are worse than my bankers. Who also pretend to NOT know who I am whenever I go there to get some of my own money, that I could only put there by proving who I was!

So off I go tomorrow to hopefully once again prove who I am to bureaucrats with a short term memory offering the promise of a long term ID card that they can’t ever make good on.

I’ve got IDs up the wazoo and still nobody knows the me I really am! Do I? Does anyone?

All I can say is… Thanks a lot Alzheimer bin-Laden!

 

We Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet!?

25 May

This past Sunday morning on Fox News Donald Trump declared “I don’t want to have guns in classrooms, although in some cases teachers should have guns in classrooms, frankly.”

Therefore: If guns aren’t allowed in classrooms

But: Teachers should have guns in classrooms

Then: Teachers should not be allowed in classrooms.

Just like the “Newspeak” of George Orwell’s 1984… Welcome to Trump-Speak 2016… where all that is spoken can be interpreted to mean all things to all people. Is he for it or against it? Yes! Of course he is!

And how about hoisting life size posters of the new first lady Melania at the entrances to all public school buildings to let would be attackers know that they should beware what awaits them inside, and to let all school children know that “Big Mother” will be protecting them?

And these are real photos…albeit taken 15 years ago but still… Not even George Orwell, nor “The Fonz” while jumping that shark, …could see this coming!

<p>If the Donald makes it into office, he won’t need to bother with hiring secret service: he’s already married to a lingerie-clad “Terminator.” <i>(Photo: British GQ)</i></p>

Guns and Diapers

2 Apr

Gun sales in the USA are through the roof with 23 million new gun permits applied for in 2015! Americans, apparently, are nervous. Here in the land of plenty, the most prosperous and powerful nation on the Earth, the nation that extends its imperial arm across the globe like no other nation in the history of the planet…we, the people, are afraid…of something.

But what is it that we are afraid of? An eventual gun shortage? A mob of Mexicans flooding across the border to take our jobs before the great wall gets built? Isis and the Muslim horde come to take revenge for our Middle East transgressions? An LGBT explosion accompanied by forced mass gay marriage? An abortion epidemic? The possible election of a woman named Hillary? Our own government gone mad with regulation?

You’d think we’d be happy… ruling the world, kicking ass and taking names, using 25% of the world’s everything while being only 5% of the world’s anybodies… having 500 channels to choose from…plus the internet… and Netflix…and all at our phone fingertips!

So why all the guns? Is it because we really need to make America great again and this time America needs our help? Is it because Donald Trump is everywhere…telling us that we’re not great? I know that the media can’t figure it out. Our trained professional journalists keep putting him on television and then, quite disingenuously,  can’t  seem to figure out why he’s always on television.

And then whenever he says something incorrect or untrue, rather than challenge him or point out to the American people that what he has said is completely false…they simply move on to the next question.

But you have to admit that Mr. Trump does put on a good show. He’s been in the television business for quite sometime now and he understands all too well the power of outrageous spectacle and a populous that can’t get enough of unrealistic “reality” programming. He’s created a larger than life character that’s helped turn the Republican party into a late night infomercial and he has most Republicans running scared too.

Republicans have been selling hate, bigotry, fear and misogyny for quite sometime now but apparently they didn’t want to sell it right out in the open and so cheaply like “The Donald” is doing it. I do believe they prefer the more subtle, back alley, smoke filled room approach.

In any event many American citizens are now finding themselves frightened and fixing for a fight as guns are flying off the shelves in a country that already has the most guns per capita in the history of the world! Even the patriotic 17th century American militia minuteman would be hard pressed to interpret the 2nd Amendment this liberally (or is it conservatively?)

But where do the diapers fit into this story? Well along with guns, diapers have seen a 43% rise in sales since last year! Everybody’s buying them! Are we having more children in the USA hence we need more guns? Nope the diapers that I am referring to are of the adult variety! Yep, guns and adult diaper sales are surging all over America.

And so it’s come to this: An aging American population, living in the greatest democracy in the history of the world, is sitting at home, staring out the window, with guns in hands, irrationally frightened of impending doom…and literally crapping their pants!?

Perhaps it’s also finally come time in America… to turn off the TV? Because if we’ve learned anything about a good television program, we know that it’s the suspense that’s going to kill us. Unfortunately we also know that we just can’t wait to see how it ends.

So have fun crapping your pants everybody! And try not to shoot yourself in the process!

Goodnight…and good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump/Bunny 2016?

22 Mar

https://i2.wp.com/media.breitbart.com/media/2016/03/mall-Easter-bunny-brawl-facebook-640x480.jpg

New Jersey may just have found the perfect running mate for Donald Trump, should he secure the Republican nomination for president. It’s the The Easter bunny! Who recently got caught up in a mall brawl, Trump Style,  in New Jersey (of all places?!) this weekend.

It all started when a 1-year-old girl slipped out of her chair after posing for a photo with the bunny. The girl’s father reportedly shouted at the 22-year-old man in the costume, then started throwing punches. That’s when the man in the bunny costume took to action in his best Trumpian fashion, threw off his white bunny gloves, and began to throw punches of his own at the protesting dad.

How dare that father barge into an Easter celebration unannounced! This is America after all! Get your own show if you want to be in the spotlight…Everybunny knows that!

And as all New Jerseyans know, You’re nobunny till somebunny hits you! So Chris Christie, fuhgeddaboudit!

It’s all the way with Trump/Bunny 2016!

 

 

 

Penis not Included?

6 Mar

To Womb it may concern:

I keep seeing Facebook and Blog posts here and there about how Hillary Clinton is not the right choice for President of the United States because of the man she is married to and that any respectable woman fit for the Presidency would have divorced him by now…

So I wonder, are we to believe that because a man improperly used his penis, his wife is not Presidential material? Do we judge a woman by the man she is married too and if so, do we value or devalue men in the same way?

Over on the Republican side we have 3 men who all claim that their penises are the proper size for governing, as if such a measurement standard exists let alone has any validity. They are even arguing over whose penis is larger and who has used it the most! Donald Trump has used it to attract 3 wives already while Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have only had 1 wife each.

Does that fact devalue the Trump wives or raise the value of Mses Cruz and Rubio…and is this really how we measure people? In any case they all seem to agree that owning and operating a properly sized penis correctly (politically speaking) is a prerequisite for seeking the highest political post in the free world.

Does Hillary (or any other woman) need to have a penis surgically attached to her anatomy (or one removed from her husband) in order to make her a valid candidate for President of the USA? Both options are medically possible and even acceptable now by a majority of American citizens…Does man in fact complete and define woman?

Or can a woman in the United States of America, here in the 21st century, actually possess the capabilities, intelligence and gravitas necessary to lead the country and the free world, with husband in tow, regardless of discussing said husband’s accomplishments or lack thereof, with or without penis, to become the First Woman President of the United States…

Or is First Lady, the best a woman in America can and should ever do?

I do believe that this fall we Americans will have the chance to actually answer that question for the first time in our history and while I do not know what the answer to that question will ultimately be, I am fairly certain that should Hillary Clinton win, her husband will be the first spouse in the White House to have a penis…

So America, if a penis you must have…there’s always that.

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