Tag Archives: life

Just Lower Your Expectations

2 Apr

“I give myself a ten out of ten.” “We are very close to a vaccine.”

“I don’t take responsibility at all.”

“Anybody who needs a test can get a test. And the tests are perfect. Like the letter was perfect. The transcript was perfect.”

“They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful. Anybody that needs a test gets a test.

“I’m not getting paid and nobody gives me credit for that. George Washington got paid.”

“We don’t want the cure to be worse than the disease.”

“We have 15 cases right now and pretty soon it will be down to zero.”

“When the warm weather gets here it will likely disappear like a miracle.”

“We’re going to be able to make that drug available almost immediately. It’s a tremendous breakthrough” and a potential “game-changer.”

“I know as much about this virus as even some of the experts know. Who knew I was so good at this stuff?”

“Nobody knew how bad this was going to be? It was a surprise to everybody!”

“If all goes well we should be ready to get America back to work by Easter”

Trump: Federal Goverment Doing "Hell Of A Job" And "Governors ...

If you thought that you heard the President of the United States say these things or if you thought that you saw the President say these things on TV while you were watching it then you are simply being nasty by repeating what you think your thought you heard or saw. It was all fake news…even if you thought you saw it live and on TV! Apparently the fake-newsers are really good at faking the news…really, really good.

The networks can do that now! Didn’t you know? All of them except Fox that is. Fox is incapable of telling untruths. It’s just how they do.

Anyway, the truth is now in! I know (I think) because I just saw it live on Television and it came straight from the President’s face and mouth. And the story is completely different from the story it first was or rather we first thought it was. The story has done a complete 180 as the President and his virus team seem to have “gotten religion” (or perhaps lost religion?) when it comes to the cold hard facts of the Corona-virus or as it is also known,  Covid19.

So here is the bad news:

The Corona-virus is really bad and really contagious! It’s not going away any time soon! Somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000 Americans will die before it is all over. And that is a good thing because the President and his experts only just learned that 2.2 million Americans would have died if the President had not taken action when he did. which was long before you and I might have thought he did.

The President did add however, that he initially considered taking no action at all, rather allowing the virus to run its course like the flu.”I thought about it,” he said. “I said maybe we should ride it through. You know, Ride it like a cowboy.” Had that been done, President Trump said, health officials estimated 1.6 to 2.2 million people in the U.S. would die.

Now for the good news:

Somewhere between 100,000 and 200,000 Americans will die from the Corona-virus before this pandemic is over. And why is that good news?…Because the President and his administration are doing great things to help stop the viruses spread which should reach it’s peak by April 12th and then diminish to levels where things can get back to normal by April 30th…or maybe June 1st…or maybe after the summer is over. We just don’t know.

And for some reason the virus has hit America harder than any other country in the world so far because Americans are different from other people, or so it seems…maybe, but just exactly why we don’t know…yet.

It could be because half of us (U.S.) just don’t believe what the other half of us (U.S.) have to say at any given time…or as Kellyanne Conway once so aptly put it “There are alternate facts.” And each state in these United States is rightly (or wrongly) currently living according to their own alternative realities. Somewhere the sun is shining and the beaches are full while in other-wheres masked citizens sit together but 6 feet apart in their little pink houses.

What to do? Perhaps start by lowering your expectations? It could get worse? It could get better? It could all disappear with the heat of Spring? Or Summer?… Or not at all because some of the science (science?) shows that it could all just come back in the fall…or as the President just tweeted…and tweeted…

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

Because the “Ratings” of my News Conferences etc. are so high, “Bachelor finale, Monday Night Football type numbers” according to the @nytimes, the Lamestream Media is going CRAZY. “Trump is reaching too many people, we must stop him.” said one lunatic. See you at 5:00 P.M.!

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

“President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the daily White House briefing Mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8.5 million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the season finale of ‘The Bachelor.’ Numbers are continuing to rise…

So Don’t Worry America! Be Happy!

The virus may be rampant…

The Stock Market may be crashing…

But:

The Ratings are great!

(P,S, Stay safe everyone and take good care!)

 

 

HAWAA

24 Mar

3-ply toilet paper

I have a new slogan for the 2020 presidential campaign. And I offer it freely to anyone who wants to run with it or stitch it onto a hat and make a fortune! (just kidding. If you actually do that based upon reading this blog, I want a piece of the action!)

So, is anyone else out there having difficulty finding toilet paper? Where did it all go? And who has it? And what are they planning to do with it all now that they have it? I mean, of all things, is this what most worries Americans in a time of crisis? How will I wipe my ass as the world goes to shit?

Is it the first thing that you worry about during a disaster? Oh no! It’s a blizzard! An earthquake! A tsunami! The electrical grid has failed! There’s an oil embargo! The stock market, housing market, job market have all collapsed! It’s an invasion from outer space!

Quick where’s my ass? What if it has to poop?!

Is this what Americans really worry about?

Anyway, If you are running for public office this year feel free to use this slogan:

HAWAA! Help Americans Wipe Asses Again! 

And promise to ramp up toilet paper production all across America so that America will never become a 2nd world country again, like we are now… and teetering on the edge of 3rd worldness should we have to poop outdoors come the warmer weather… like they do in those “shithole” countries.

After all aren’t we building that wall to help prevent outdoor poopers from moving here? What if we Americans all start doing our business outdoors? Then the wall building is all for naught! So keep America strong I say! Build the factories! Ramp up the production! Roll out the toilet paper! We need to guarantee our American right to not only poop with paper but to poop with paper that is soft and plush and more than 2 ply!

Never again should Americans have to face a crisis, war, pandemic, toilet or Halloween without enough toilet paper for every red blooded American man, woman and child!

HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA!

The USA: We Don’t Deliver! or… Let Them Wear Bandannas!

21 Mar

Image result for Doctors Wearing Bandannas!

Doctors and nurses throughout the United States have been expressing an urgent need for more masks and personal protective gear in their ongoing struggle to fight and contain the Corona Virus outbreak here in the United States…but there have been shortages of these supplies and some hoarding by citizens who are not doctors or nurses.

When asked about how more face masks and other needed protective garments could be produced and sent to hospitals throughout the country President Trump responded by saying “We (the U.S. govt.) are not a delivery service.” He then suggested that each state’s governor should take charge of resupplying their own state.

Then when read a statement issued by the CDC about how doctors and nurses and other medical personnel should begin reusing whatever personal protective gear they have and even consider using bandannas as face-masks, the President replied: “I know nothing about that.” and then deferred to VP Mike Pence who even though he took the podium and spoke, knew nothing about that either.

It has been my observation (and perhaps yours?) while watching our Commander in Chief and his Vice President over the past few days that both seem to be a bit distracted or perhaps overwhelmed by what it is their jobs require them to do…as in care about an entire diverse country of people they are quite unfamiliar with.

I imagine the President dreaming of a golf course far, far away where he plays endlessly with friends and caddies of his own choosing none of whom ever get within three feet of his personal space…or his ball which he likes to move with reckless abandon. “Four! No, not fore. I mean as in not 5, like I got 4 on that hole.”

And I imagine the VP, as he stares lovingly into the back of the Presidents oddly coiffed head, wondering why he has yet to leave Earth in The Rapture that he is so sure should have taken place already…especially during these times of tribulation. “Am I raptured? What? Oh no, I have to speak? Damn! I mean Darn!…sorry no exclamation mark.”

Anyway, that’s what I think. Otherwise why would they look so lost and say such inane things?” Don’t they have advisers? Do they know that they come with the job? If they do have advisers do the advisers know that they are allowed to give advice? And do the experts that stand nearby while the POTUS and Vice POTUS  speak understand that we at home can see their expert eyes performing gymnastics inside their eye sockets?

Who directs these podium talks? Does no one proof read anymore?…

It has been said that Nero fiddled while Rome burned and that Marie Antoinette once said that her hungry subjects should try eating cake when they get hungry. Maybe those infamous leaders weren’t cruel after all. Maybe they were just really, really bored?

After all, it’s hard to care about strangers…especially in bulk… isn’t it?

Everybody was Kung-Flu Fighting

19 Mar

Trump coronavirus

Who can take a virus, mix it with some lies, re-name it just for fun and make 4 billion people cry?…

Apparently… The President and his White House can!

Yes, our fearless leader has done it again.

This morning I watched as our POTUS somberly announced that America would now be on a war footing as it organizes a more serious attempt to do combat with a deadly, silent, invisible killer: The Covid-19 virus.

However, by the late afternoon he had identified our invisible enemy as the “Chinese Virus” or for those a little less eloquent (like our POTUS) The Chi-Na Virus!…emphasis on the Chi or Ji as those even less eloquent (like our POTUS) are apt to pronounce it.

But of course, even later in the afternoon, that term had morphed further still and it was reported that folks inside The White House now refer to it as “The Kung-Flu”!

When asked, President Donald Trump said that he did not believe the term “kung-flu” and other discriminatory phrases would put Asian Americans at risk of xenophobic attacks amid the ongoing corona virus (its real name) pandemic. And he went on to say that he did not believe Asian Americans would be negatively affected by the use of the phrase.

“No, not at all,” The President said. “I think they’d probably agree with it 100%. It comes from China. There’s nothing not to agree on.”

Sadly I do not believe that most, if not all, Americans can tell where one Asian comes from and where another does not. The Spanish come from Mexico and Asians come from China. Ne c’est pas?

So when one is the president of a nation fighting the battle of their lives against an unseen and deadly foe, what do another 4.5 billion insulted human beings matter one way or the other?…I guess?

We’re just lucky the virus didn’t start in Russia. (I don’t see why it would) But if it did we wouldn’t know what to call it…other than Hillary’s virus or Obama’s monstrosity, or something like that.

Anyway I’m sure that Fox News will clear this all up for us in the morning when they direct us to where all of this fake news and liberal hoaxing began in the first place.

And many years from now on the anniversary of this trying time in our nation’s history I’m sure that Fox and Friends will fondly look back, smile at one another and then turn to the audience at home and say with a hearty laugh: “Hey! Remember that time many years ago when…

“Everybody was Kung-Flu fighting!” (Cue the Oriental music and everybody dance!) (Can’t you hear it? Can’t you see it?)

Sorry world…America is most likely here to stay.

 

 

 

Nature vs. Prayer vs. Politics

28 Feb

Donald Trump, ignorance, public health

On Wednesday night President Trump told America that Tuesday night’s Democratic presidential primary debate had caused a stock market crash that happened on Monday and Tuesday mornings.

Apparently stock traders had traveled ahead in time, watched a debate that had not yet occurred and then traveled back to their own time in order to freak out in a massive stock trading selloff.

Because what is more disturbing than a world wide outbreak of Corona-virus? Democrats! Of course!

Then the President boasted about how he is preparing America ‘s Corona-virus defense by working with some of the greatest experts in public health in the world…and then he announced that he was putting  Vice President Pence, a man who does not really believe in science, in charge of coordinating the administration’s response to the Corona-virus’ potential (but probably not?) outbreak in the U.S.

Hopefully the Vice President is organizing a national prayer shield to fend off the virus (or the Democrats?) as I write this… Soon we shall see if it is nature or prayer (or politics) that carries the day!

However,  judging by Thursday’s continued and massive stock market selloff and a record 1,191 point drop in the Dow Jones Index, the largest one day drop in history, Wall Street traders have once again ridden their time machine back into the future and already know the outcome.

But what did they see?

More Virus?!

More Democrats?!

Stay tuned!

And let us pray?

I’m Going to Kansas City…Or Am I?

7 Feb

The Kansas City Chiefs just won the Super Bowl! And they’re going to…Kansas?

Well, no…but that’s where the President of the United States thinks they’re from, as you can see from his congratulatory tweet following the big game and the Chief’s victory.

He has since deleted the tweet because even though there is a Kansas City in Kansas, that’s not the Kansas City where the Kansas City Chiefs play. They play in the Kansas City that is in Missouri. And as you can imagine he took a lot of criticism for not knowing the difference.

But that’s an honest mistake isn’t it? After all, did you know where Kansas City was? Or that there were 2 Kansas City(s)…one in Missouri and the other in Kansas? And that the Missouri Kansas City was the BIG Kansas City where the sports teams play?

Well, maybe if you’re a child and didn’t pay attention in school or don’t pay attention to sports or geography or you just aren’t curious about such things but what if you’re a grown adult in your 70’s and… PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES???

Hey, anybody can make a mistake. Right? President Trump has since deleted his tweet and replaced it with an accurate one that congratulates Missouri and even though he looked silly and took a lot of flack for being so uninformed a lot of folks came to his defense like Fox and Friends who said that mixing up the 2 Kansas Citys was like congratulating New Jersey when The New York Giants win and even the Kansas House read his tweet aloud in their chambers and applauded his official and Presidential congratulations to Kansas, for as the Governor of Kansas (a Democrat) said, “We root for the Chiefs too!”

And Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union had this to say when he tweeted:

@mschlapp
Dear East coast establishment: Kansas City, Kansas is in Kansas.
9:15 AM · Feb 3, 2020
2.1K
Retweets
12.3K
Likes
But what bothers me is that now I’m supposedly part of the “East Coast Establishment”,
because I dare to know things…and at times correct others who don’t…and verifiable
facts are important to me. And here in the 21st century that makes me an elitist, liberal,
who do I think I am, know it all.
So be it.
But what bothers me most is that our President is a man who says that he does know it
all. He is someone who likes to point out everyone’s flaws and he mocks them for having
them. He condemns those he disagrees with. He publicly speculates on whose souls he
believes rot in hell or are exalted in heaven. He defends himself by ordering others to
proclaim that he is right even when he knows that they know that he is wrong…
and those are all things that all of us were taught…once upon a time…were wrong. I believe they still are.
In conclusion, here is a video from the Super Bowl party attended by President Trump during the playing of our country’s National Anthem. The Anthem about which our President proclaimed every American “should stand proudly for” when played, otherwise they should forever be branded a “son-of-a-bitch” unworthy of employment in any respectable American enterprise.

https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/article239918518.html

So I propose that in the future should you decide that you have a grievance or complaint or injustice that you would like to protest during the playing of our National Anthem don’t kneel or sit or even remain silent. Rather I propose that you simply do the right thing and act as respectfully as our POTUS acts during this most solemn of anthems.

Wave your arms wildly and grandly in the air as any amateur conductor would. Then point to your friends (or foes) with your finger guns to emphasize that you are here and proud and should be paid attention to. Then shuffle about as though you have ants in your pants and can’t be stilled because there are more important things to be worried about besides anthems.

You know…shake your sillies out…and simply act…Presidential!

That should get you some attention for your cause…without having to upset people by being all establishment and East Coast elitist like.

Yes, It’s always good to be the king! So maybe we should just start emulating him whenever we need to get our point across to his adoring subjects?

 

Mine Eyes Have Seen My Shadow!

2 Feb

Image

 

In honor of Groundhog Day I went outside and saw my own shadow…and it was shivering!… So I went back inside. This told me that it is still winter! And I’m sure that’s what the poor marmot in Pennsylvania is thinking every time those silly Punxsutawnians take him out of his home and hold him in the light of a freezing day.

We have some strange and weird commemorative days in our calendar and I just had to look this one up.  The 2nd of February was once (and I’m sure still is) a Christian holiday traditionally known as Candlemas. It is also known as the Presentation of Jesus at the Temple, the Feast of the Purification of the Virgin, and the Meeting of the Lord.

According to the gospel of Luke, Mary and Joseph took the baby Jesus to the Temple in Jerusalem forty days  after his birth to complete Mary’s ritual purification after childbirth, and to perform the redemption of the firstborn, in obedience to the Law of Moses. When they got to the temple the Gospel also records that they encountered Simeon who had been promised by the holy spirit that “he should not see death before he had seen the Lord’s Christ”

So once upon a time 40 days after Christmas Simeon saw the baby Jesus… and today, 2 thousand and some odd years later, a groundhog sees his shadow and then Spring comes!…eventually…like it always does.

Really the whole thing was and is about the celebration of light and it’s return. The days are getting longer and that’s always a good thing especially in times when electricity hadn’t been encountered yet. And metaphorically speaking Jesus is also known as the “light of the world” and his birth is often viewed as the shedding of light upon the human soul and condition…So let’s celebrate!

I have no idea why all of these religious icons and ideas have all been replaced by cute animals, parties and jolly old elves etc…but isn’t it curious that many pagan celebrations and festivals which began with the worship of earthly places and deities in the pre-Christian era morphed into religious holidays and the celebration of personal icons during the advent of Christianity and now thousands of years later have morphed again into celebrations of cartoon-like characters, who seemingly have nothing to teach us except that we should have a party and buy things.

Speaking of which, we now celebrate the Superbowl at this same time of year, a truly pagan festival  which commemorates the end of the barbaric football season and the thankful return of the light of baseball, a truly civilized sport of Spring, warm weather and safely returning home.

So…Happy Imbolc, Candlemas, Groundhog Day and Superbowl Sunday!

Some things just never change…even though they always do.

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