I’ll Have What He’s Having

As a life long Yankee fan, I’ve been in on more than my fair share of celebrating World Series victories. Even though I’ve never played in one for the Yankees, as a fan, I know that it feels like they were doing it just for me. So congrats to the Red Sox Nation for having your day in Beantown. And I mean that sincerely, although I know that you may not believe me.

And as a partner in previous celebratory crime I have to say…Aren’t PEDs great?! If only we could all afford to take them and be like Giants, real, imagined or the kind that Barry Bonds played for.

Because if he looks like Barry Bonds, large body, larger head and improved physical prowess, all at age 38…Hits like Barry Bonds, 11 for 15 with 2 HRs, 2 Doubles and 6RBI, with a slugging percentage at an unbelievable 1.267 while reaching base 12 times in a row…

and no one wants to pitch to him anymore no matter what the game time, place or situation…like they did with Barry Bonds…

And he is not Barry Bonds.

Then he is definitely using Performance Enhancing Drugs too.

Or have we learned nothing while watching Major League Baseball since the 1990s?

I just hope that when they induct this millennial group of ball players into the Baseball hall of Fame, which they inevitably someday will, they put their plaques in a special wing entitled:

“I’ll have what he’s having.”

Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Pitchers

For some reason that I am not aware of, steroids do not appear to work as effectively on a baseball pitcher as they do on a baseball batter.

I have just watched the New York Yankees score 25 runs in the last 3 games and get clobbered in each game by the Boston Red Sox who scored 34 runs during that same span…not to mention the 20 runs they scored in the game the night before they flew into New York!

In all of my years watching baseball I have never seen anything like it…except in the little league minor leagues of my home town back in the 60’s when the Bisons defeated the Cubs 34-25 in one 6 inning game.

The Red Sox must be taking better drugs than the Yankees or perhaps they have been adding Abilify to their daily drug regimen for that extra oomph!

Whatever it is, I know I shouldn’t complain because my team has A-Roid but seriously, have you seen the Boston Red Sox lately? They all look and act like angry Viking Lumberjacks and I swear that when one guy runs into their dugout he soon runs out again sporting a full beard! It has to be drugs!

Even the announcers noted that one of the Sox players trained during the off season with the Detroit Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera, who no longer looks at all like himself but rather more like the Hulk as compared to his former self, Dr. Bruce Banner after exposure to gamma radiation…

Come to think of it, the only pitchers who could get anybody out so far this weekend were all from Japan where perhaps Japan’s recent radiation woes and the Godzilla effect has come into play enhancing their arm strength and pitching abilities…?

Anyway, what has happened to baseball? Teams are not supposed to score 54 runs in 4 games. Besides the games are now all 8 hours long!

It has to be drugs of some kind or another because here in America we are responsible for taking 80% of all of the drugs that people take in the world…so it just kinda makes sense that it would be drugs, right?

And in a side note, J.R. Smith of the New York Knicks basketball team was just suspended for 5 games for smoking marijuana!

That’s so 50 years ago! I mean really…smoking marijuana? Today Guys in professional sports are sticking needles in their asses filled with chemicals that weren’t even invented yet back during the days of potheads and ponytails and we’re still suspending them for smoking weed?! In NYC they are stopping and frisking teenagers just to catch and incarcerate someone with a joint or two, while over in Yankee Stadium there must be whole pharmacies of modern day, mind bending and body enhancing drugs to catch people with!…and that’s probably just what’s in the pockets of the guys in the “cheap” seats let alone the locker rooms.

What I’d like to see is mandatory pot smoking in the major leagues just to slow today’s roid-ragers down long enough for me to keep score and follow the action.

But I digress…my real message to parents everywhere is, don’t let your children grow up to be pitchers! There’s no future in it…They’ll just meet up with a lot of disappointment, heartache, sore elbows, angry batsmen, apoplectic managers, disgruntled fans and loads of drugs…namely in the form of anti-depressants.

Better they just stick with the bat and the ball and hopefully lots of southern exposure to some good old fashion gamma rays… because if they want to become America’s future professional athletes then believe me, they’re probably going to need it.

Bizzarro Ball

Yesterday I may have witnessed the most entertaining baseball game in history.

It was already sure to be a barn burner because it featured that classic and age old rivalry of The mighty Yankees vs. the dreaded Red Sox when up to the plate stepped the Yankees third baseman, the most vilified baseball player of the modern era, A-Rod the Steroidable, while on the mound stood the home team’s hopeful and champion for goodness, Ryan the incorruptible Red Sock , Dempster.

It was a classic face off…good vs. evil…When low and behold the clouds darkened and The force for Goodness proceeded to throw 4 straight pitches at the evil Dr. of baseball, finally plunking him on the shoulder with his last pitch! The Red Sox hurler couldn’t have been more obvious about his evil intentions if he had strolled up to the plate, grabbed the bat from the Yankee batsman’s hands and whacked him upside the head with it… And all while the entire baseball world watched on TV!

Good assaulting evil? With malice aforethought? Why, that’s unheard of! It’s supposed to be the other way around. Even the umpire was so confused that he refused to throw the assaulting pitcher out of the game. One can’t punish good for doing wrong to evil can one?

Even the players of both teams were perplexed as they stormed from their opposing dugouts onto the field where, rather than engaging in angry fisticuffs, they began to mill around in confusion not knowing who to defend…or hit: The aggressive good guy who did a bad thing or the defenseless bad guy who was now the good guy just minding his own business at home?

Yankees manager, Joe Girardi, nearly died in a fit of apoplexy while cavorting about in front of the umpire trying to make sense of it all. “You should throw the bum out!” He appeared to be yelling while the umpire was trying to figure out which bum he meant.

And then from there the game simply,  evolved… or did it devolve…into a reverse…or was it perverse… form of hero saga as the Red Sox jumped into the lead by virtue of their righteous anger and mission to  show these once mighty Yankees and the world that cheating through the use of performance enhancing drugs would no longer and could never again be tolerated on such a stage!

But then, in a most bizarre twist of events, the Darth Vader of hardball, the man they now derisively called A-Roid, returned to the scene of the crime to once again stand at that fateful plate and face off against his Luke Sky-walker of a foe only to this time meet the mighty mounds-man’s  most righteous lightning bolt of a fastball with the mighty tha-whack! of a lecherous long-ball into the deepest depths of centerfield…

It was an A-bomb for A-Rod!

A shot heard round the house of he who has not sinned and far into the dark night of strange redemption… for what followed was a Yankees stampede of hits and runs that brought the forces of Red Sox goodness to their knees while elevating this cheating cheater (for it has been foretold that he hath cheated more than once!) and his cohorts to victory!

Have the Baseball Gods gone mad?

Has all hell broken loose?

For only in Bizarro World could such things happen!

And what does this portend for the future of our national pastime? Will A-Rod lead the forces of darkness through to the playoff wilderness and out into the light of the World Series, there to prevail in a bizarre and dark victory of un-justice???

Can you even imagine such a bizarre and twisted ending??? The accused and presumed guilty criminal achieving ultimate victory over his captors while out on bail and before his inevitable death sentence is served?

Why It’s unthinkable! Unheard of! Unheroic!

But in Bizarro world anything is possible!

That’s why from here on in my money’s on the Cubs!

Damn Senators!?

It’s only been 1 game but already my beloved Yankees are in last place. Many are predicting that this is the beginning of the end for this great sports dynasty in fact even the New York Yankees opened their 2013 Television season with the motto “It’s the beginning of the end!”

They were referring to  this being the farewell season of relief pitcher Mariano Rivera but seriously what were they thinking? Oh the irony!

But of course it is still early and not yet time to throw in the entire towel but I have a solution as to how the Yankees can guarantee victory for this season and for all seasons to come…and the answer is Congress!

What the Yankees need to do is stop wasting money on player development and free agent contracts and begin working on umpire development. If the Yankees can put all of their money (and they can do that now thanks to the U.S Supreme Court) behind one umpire of their choosing and get that umpire elected to the Congress of the United States they can then begin moving all of their money out of player development and salaries and into legal contributions to their umpire Congressman now turned lifelong friend.

This Congressman can then begin using all of the money that the Yankees can spare to contribute to his future campaigns by enhancing the lives and well being of other umpires (who are not congressmen but still just umpires) by adding earmarks to various congressional bills that will steer money into…oh let’s say… the World Umpires Association’s pension fund or whatever it is that umpires like. (And thanks to Congress these earmarks can be secret!…Shhhhh)

All the umpires would then have to do for the Yankees is…

Now some might say that this would be bribery in its most base and disgusting form and also illegal.

But in Congress it’s called Congressional Lobbying and it would be perfectly legal and extremely above board if perhaps not exactly cricket (but we’re talking about baseball here and not cricket)

And it wouldn’t be as though the Yankees’ manager would walk right up to the umpires at the beginning of each game with the lineup card and a bag full of money. My way would be much more subtle, refined and deserving of the dignity the New York Yankees command and deserve. After all they’re the Yankees. What better team than the namesake of our country to pioneer such sports innovation?

And they’d better hurry because what if some other team thinks of it first? Like…god forbid…The Pirates!

* Has anyone noticed how well the Washington Senators have been doing these days?!