Tag Archives: toilets

HAWAA

24 Mar

3-ply toilet paper

I have a new slogan for the 2020 presidential campaign. And I offer it freely to anyone who wants to run with it or stitch it onto a hat and make a fortune! (just kidding. If you actually do that based upon reading this blog, I want a piece of the action!)

So, is anyone else out there having difficulty finding toilet paper? Where did it all go? And who has it? And what are they planning to do with it all now that they have it? I mean, of all things, is this what most worries Americans in a time of crisis? How will I wipe my ass as the world goes to shit?

Is it the first thing that you worry about during a disaster? Oh no! It’s a blizzard! An earthquake! A tsunami! The electrical grid has failed! There’s an oil embargo! The stock market, housing market, job market have all collapsed! It’s an invasion from outer space!

Quick where’s my ass? What if it has to poop?!

Is this what Americans really worry about?

Anyway, If you are running for public office this year feel free to use this slogan:

HAWAA! Help Americans Wipe Asses Again! 

And promise to ramp up toilet paper production all across America so that America will never become a 2nd world country again, like we are now… and teetering on the edge of 3rd worldness should we have to poop outdoors come the warmer weather… like they do in those “shithole” countries.

After all aren’t we building that wall to help prevent outdoor poopers from moving here? What if we Americans all start doing our business outdoors? Then the wall building is all for naught! So keep America strong I say! Build the factories! Ramp up the production! Roll out the toilet paper! We need to guarantee our American right to not only poop with paper but to poop with paper that is soft and plush and more than 2 ply!

Never again should Americans have to face a crisis, war, pandemic, toilet or Halloween without enough toilet paper for every red blooded American man, woman and child!

HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA! HAWAA!

Crapology

7 Jun

Did you know that 2.5 billion people in the world do not have regular access to a toilet? And of those 2.5 billion people over 1 million of them poop in the wild! That’s 1 out of every 3 people without a toilet, and 1 in 7 dumping au naturel…

This is the 21st century isn’t it?

Right now my country (the USA) is debating whether or not to spend over 1 trillion dollars to upgrade our nuclear weapons arsenal…so that we can defend ourselves against who? Outdoor crappers? I know that our presidential candidates want to “Bomb the shit out of “them”… but are we not already spending enough on scaring the shit out of them? Right where they already stand?

And after all, In 2014, even in the U.S. almost half a million households still did not have complete plumbing facilities; defined as having access to hot and cold running water, a toilet that flushes, and a shower or bathtub.

Not to mention Flint, Michigan and 2,000 other cities across all of our 50 states that have excessive levels of lead in their water! Who wants to drink that?!

And yet we have soldiers stationed in silos all across the U.S. just waiting for the word to push the button so as to defend our society by blowing the rest of the people of this world… into the stone age…where apparently 1/3 of them already live!

I say, make toilets not war. Let America lead everyone to the bathroom and not the battlefield! And let’s fix our infrastructure and water pipes while we’re at it too…and let’s stop being afraid of everyone else, especially whether or not the toilet you are using (that is if you are lucky enough to have one) matches the sexual organ in other people’s pants or under their dresses.

Go poop in the woods like everyone else if it worries you so much!

 

 

 

 

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