Breaking News from the White House Press Secretary…(republicans, you will not want to miss this!)

The White House press secretary has just announced that in 2016 President Trump had the largest, greatest and most attended inauguration in the history of the United States!

(Note: images may appear doctored depending on your point of view and/or mental health)

And in News from the Justice Department: The Attorney General of the Unites States has announced that U.S. prosecutors may begin looking for the strawberries!

Meanwhile: The President-Elect, Joseph Biden, is not receiving his daily intelligence briefings as per U.S. law, and national security officials are being fired and/or resigning from office.

The CDC says that Democracy may have contracted a terminal illness but their findings as of yet remain unclear…

Stay tuned for more breaking news!

For the Love of Reagan

When Jeb Bush was asked which woman from American history should appear on the new ten dollar bill he answered, “Margaret Thatcher.” He said that was because she worked so well with president Ronald Reagan who is considered by most Republicans to have been the greatest president who ever lived.

So great apparently is Jeb Bush’s love for the former president that he can’t even think of one woman from the United States’ glorious historic past…or present… who could possibly represent the United States on its 10 dollar bill…not one! All he can think of is an English woman who supported and mirrored President Reagan’s policies while she was the Prime Minister of Great Britain!  Mr. Bush added that it probably would be illegal and not allowed, but Margaret Thatcher would be his choice for the tenner.

Wow! That’s quite a bro-mance wouldn’t you say? They say that some people see stars in their eyes when they’re in love but…I guess if your a woman who is an American citizen then there’s probably not much that you can do to attract the good governor’s attention… for he’s got eyes for someone else…probably not even if you vote for him!

Killing People and Breaking Things

If you watched the Republican debate yesterday then you know that Mike Huckabee probably summed it up best when he said that “the point of the military is to kill people and break things”, because that was the one thing that all 10 candidates on the dais seemed to agree upon: The United States needs to spend more money on the military…Oh wait, there was another thing: The United States must break from the proposed treaty with Iran.

So If we are to take what they said as gospel then should one of the 10 Republicans be elected president, He will immediately dissolve the treaty with Iran, increase spending on the military and, I assume, eventually go to war with Iran. Because according to all of the Republican candidates you cannot trust the Iranian government, nor any Iranian because they are an evil and untrustworthy sort and that apparently includes all 55 million of them! Which should make for quite a very long war….and more veterans too! Which the Republicans all pledged to take better care of.

But not to worry because the Republican plan to pay for that war includes not raising taxes…not ever! Not one of the candidates plans on adding revenue to the budget because it is already too big and in too much debt. And Really, who wants more money when you are in debt? Not me. How about you?

So how will we pay for a larger military and a possible decades long war with Iran?…By cutting taxes of course! They almost all agree on that. Raise spending and cut income! Cut taxes and collect more money! But from where? Savings of course!

They also all seem to agree that Medicare and Medicaid must go! So should Social Security! And no more Health Care as in The Affordable Care Act! All of those programs are too expensive and broken to boot! We also need to cut welfare and food stamps and programs for the poor and downtrodden… and women especially. Those are all things that we have too much of already.

So with all of this money we are going to save by not helping our citizens make ends meet, what else do we need besides a larger Military? Anything? Yes! Say the Republicans. We need a wall to keep people, namely Spanish people, out!…or a fence will do…or perhaps the Rio Grande filled to the brim with battery acid? (My idea)…but in any event they all agree that something must be done to keep people out of America.

Except for babies! We need more babies, definitely. Because babies, no matter how many months, days or hours old, are people who have rights that need to be protected… just like corporations…but not like mothers…because my best guess is  that a mother is a person who has used up all of her rights by getting pregnant…while a man’s rights it seems are never diminished by impregnating others…just enhanced, I think.

Anyway, that’s the Republican plan in a nutshell:

More: Military, War, Veterans, Veteran care, Walls and Babies.

Less, fewer or no: Taxes, Hispanics, Social Programs, Health Care and Abortions.

So vote Republican! And look for a job in the Armed Forces, construction or a womb near you…but please, please, please, if you choose the womb, do not grow up to be gay, poor, sick, Spanish, a woman or old!