Unless you’ve been living under a rock then you’ve heard about Donald Sterling, the owner of the Los Angeles Clipper’s basketball franchise…and probably not much else for the past day or so. He’s the billionaire racist who, because of remarks that were recorded by his girlfriend, will from now on be forever known as… the billionaire racist.
Now of course no one in their right mind can agree with the statements that he has been credited with making, as countless television and radio personalities have been pointing out ad infinitum all day long, but while I was listening to all of the talk and debate I was amazed to hear that through it all, Mr. Sterling’s wife still supports him… But I thought that he had a girlfriend… Which of course he does have. He has both a wife and a girlfriend and not only is it not a secret, but apparently everyone is cool with that. The NBA, the media, the fans, the owners, the wife, the girlfriend…everyone! That’s a non story.
The real story is that Mr. Sterling is a selfish, racist, old bastard. I mean really, who could have seen that coming?
Not his wife, who while defending her husband’s comments is also suing him for damages because he has been spending “community money” on his girlfriend rather than “his own” money on his girlfriend.
Not his girlfriend, who has been too busy enjoying all of the cars and houses and jewelry that he has been buying her to notice that deep down he’s always really been just a creep.
Not the media, who can’t seem to get enough of all things Mr Sterling these days including the sudden recollection of previous stories that can prove that he has been a racist old fart for as long as anyone can remember.
Even the NAACP gave Mr. Sterling a life time achievement award a few years ago to honor his billionaire largess. What were they thinking? Couldn’t they see past his wallet far enough to notice he was a misogynist bigot?
In fact just about everyone everywhere has been outraged by Mr Sterling’s comments, and justifiably so, especially the NBA players and their fans…just not outraged enough to stop working for him or to stop attending the games played by his team. We all have morals but if the checks are signed and the tickets are already paid for what can one do?
Anyway, my point is that if Mr. Sterling’s first name weren’t Billionaire, we probably all would have been done with him long ago or not even bothered to have mentioned him at all in the first place. But luckily for Mr. Sterling, he is a billionaire and billionaire’s have money and lots of it, which, according to the Supreme Court of the United States, in their most recent decision, is equivalent to free speech and apparently even freer, although more expensive, than speech itself…so Mr. Sterling should have kept letting his money do all of the the talking while keeping his big mouth shut…at least in front of recording devices, because it seems as though all of the people who can now remember all of the bigoted things he used to say… had for some reason, somehow, forgotten them.
And besides, Mr. Sterling really need not worry too much because only a few months ago that same Supreme Court also struck down the Voter’s Rights Act of 1965 effectively declaring racism pretty much dead and gone to heaven, at least here in the USA. So how can he be a racist when there is no more racism?
Besides, now that he is out of the basketball business he can always just use his money to buy…excuse me…speak to… a few (or as many as he likes) Congressmen and Senators and then instruct them…excuse me…suggest to them that they create a new law that makes racism officially, once and for all, extinct and anyone who says otherwise can and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, so help me God…and don’t laugh. That definitely can be done now. Just ask those 5 Justices.
And speaking of God, if Mr. Sterling is for some reason particularly concerned about his soul and future standing in heaven (he is 80 years old) then he can always pay (make a donation to) his church for the guarantee of his soul’s absolution. They still do that don’t they? I’m Catholic and that’s how we used to do it (and why you’re all Protestants now) but I don’t think we say it out loud anymore…sometimes you have to learn lessons the hard way.
I know I probably sound too cynical but I bet that even if I do make it up to heaven some day there will probably be an entrance fee. Okay, now you think I’ve gone too far. Heaven has to be free, whether you’re poor or rich, or else it just wouldn’t be fair. But I know that you’ll probably have to pay if you want to get one of the nice condos with a view. And don’t tell me they don’t have condos up there because I’ve already paid for the 12 cassette program that an Evangelical sold me explaining all about the mansions that God is preparing in heaven… so put a credit card in my casket because I’m pretty sure they won’t take cash. Better put some coins over my eyes too so I can pay for parking…there’s never free parking…and never enough of it so I can probably expect to have to drive around…forever…waiting for a space to open up. What are the chances of that happening?
Anyway, that’s probably Purgatory: getting close but winding up in the parking lot on a hot day waiting for a space to open up. Maybe that’s where we are when we contact Jonathan Edward on the satellite radio so we can talk to our living relatives back on Earth, while they’re all tuned into Larry King on pay cable?
Oh well, I wonder who’ll be waiting for us at the Pearly Gates? Will it be old Saint Pete, or Mr. B. Franklin… As in Benjamin? Because you just know that when you die… if you want to end up some place nice… somebody is gonna have to show someone the Benjamins…and lots of em’!