Tag Archives: government

Addendum

28 Jun

Image result for give us your tired your poor trump

 

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Just don’t get sick while you’re here…

or your shit-outa-luck…

And forget about dying.

You’ll never be able to afford burying yourself.

but you were tired, wretched, homeless and poor when you arrived…

So what were you expecting?

Freedom just isn’t free.

It’s also for profit.

So sail away, back to where you came from.

And don’t let the lamp hit you on the way out that golden door.

 

 

I’ve Gone Cross-eyed!

17 Jun

Image result for big bird

Tweet! Tweet!

Our American President is all a twitter! He has tweeted that he is the subject of a witch hunt for being investigated for firing a man that he was told to fire. “I am being investigated for firing the FBI Director by the man who told me to fire the FBI Director!” tweeted our biggest bird.

However it was the President himself who asked for the letter from the man recommending the firing of the other man by “THE” Man.

And then “THE” Man went on television to tell the reporter man that he was going to fire the man whether or not the other man recommended it or not. “I was going to fire Comey– my decision. There is no good time to do it, by the way,” Trump told NBC News’s Lester Holt. “I was going to fire him regardless of recommendation.”

So the man was getting fired by “THE” man anyway no matter what the other man said in a letter, or recommendation or not.

So “THE Man told the man to write a letter detailing why the man should be fired by “THE” Man even though “THE” Man was going to fire the man in the first place which has now prompted “THE” Man to tweet that the man wouldn’t have been fired by “THE” Man if the man hadn’t told “THE” man to fire the man in the second place even though “THE” Man had already made up his own mind to fire the man…and now we’re back to the first place!

And now I’ve gone cross-eyed! How about you?

 

He’s Just a Caveman

10 Jun

Image result for phil hartman caveman lawyer

The United States of America, as both a country and a T.V. show, has without a doubt “jumped the shark”!

Back in the early 1990’s the late Phil Hartman of Saturday Night Live fame would often play the character of the “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”. In his sketches featuring this character he would play a Neanderthal who, after being discovered in a glacier and then unfrozen, became a defense and personal injury lawyer and eventually a politician running for the Senate on the platform of eliminating the capital gains tax.

He was portrayed as a “selfish, well-dressed attorney who repeatedly would employ simple folk wisdom  to win his cases.” He also enjoyed significant wealth, driving luxury cars and owning a home on Martha’s Vineyard. But whenever he made a mistake or committed a faux pas or said something crude or rude or out of line he would excuse himself and carry the day with his jury by uttering the line, ” But I’m just a caveman who is not familiar with the ways of the world.”

It struck me this week that our president is a lot like that, or at least that is how his fellow Republicans have decided to excuse his constant rude, crude and boorish behavior.

Whether our President lies or contradicts himself or shoves a fellow statesman out of the way, or insults this diplomat or that public servant, decries the American judicial system, mocks the handicapped, insults women, issues false accusations, tweets inarticulate and incoherent statements, exalts foreign dictators while demeaning friendly heads of state… and on and on and on… the fall back position for his indelicate conduct has become:

“He just doesn’t know how to be a politician. He’s a simple American learning on the job and trying to do the best he can for the American people.” (Like all you American simpleton’s out there?)

So don’t worry America. Our President… despite being a 70 year old billionaire who was able to build a real estate empire, run a presidential campaign and win the United States Presidency… is just a common man, unfamiliar with the ways of the modern world, justice and common human decency, who is going to learn how to be a better person and president while on the job.

And I’m a monkey’s Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!

It’s A Secret…

9 Jun

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Shhhhhhh… Because here in 21st century America if it has to do with our government…our government doesn’t want to talk about it. Oh they’re investigating it, whatever “it” may be… but whatever it is that they are finding is too delicate for “we the people” to know about. I suppose we might get upset and decide not to go shopping, which I think has become the American citizen’s only national duty. (and use a credit card please, while doing so)

Other than that we are to be left in the fog of disputed facts and testimonies, various and sundry leaks and tweets and obligatory 5th amendment pleas…and lets not forget the distorted and dark glassed perspectives of opposing political parties and their networked counterparts.

What’s going on inside America’s hallowed halls of government these days? Oh we can talk about it. We just can’t say anything with certainty. No absolutes please. It’s under investigation so we’ll get back to you on that as soon as it’s determined whether or not it’s appropriate to discuss in public.

We’ve ascertained some facts and we’re even following up on some appropriate suspicions. We’ve even gathered some information both dubious and not…so we’ll get back to you on that after our intelligence committees finish their…committeeing? Is that a word?

We’ll investigate and we’ll let you know…

In the mean time, and as Russian President, Putin, would say, “Don’t worry. Be happy!”

 

Where In the World is North Korea?

15 May
Image result for north korea
North Korea has made significant advances in its attempts to build an intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) with its recent and successful launch of a mid-to-long range missile. Their leader, Kim Jong Un even boasted that their recent launch was aimed at verifying the capability of carrying a “large scale heavy nuclear warhead.” He also

warned our leaders in Washington D.C. not to misjudge the reality that the U.S. is now in North Korea’s “sighting range for a strike.”

The U.S. military’s Pacific Command however, said that the type of missile that was fired was “not consistent” with an ICBM…So… should American’s be worried anyway?

Well, according to a New York Times survey… probably not, because only 36% of Americans know where North Korea is!

Yep, only 36% of adults surveyed could place North Korea on a map. So as far as most Americans are concerned it might as well be on the moon or in Narnia or on the Klingon’s home planet. Now where’s my iPhone??? I want to invade Westeros!

Oh well, that’s according to the New York Times… which of course we all now know is fake news…so no worries… and on the bright side, even if we are attacked with nuclear weapons we’ll certainly never know what hit us…nor where the heck they came from either.

And besides North Koreans can’t be as smart as we Americans are, can they? I mean, how could they be…they’re North Koreans after all…from wherever that is! So if we don’t know where they are, how could they even find us in the first place? Or is that second place? Anyway…

They say that Ignorance is bliss…and maybe so too will be the Apocalypse?

 

 

It’s Party Time!

5 May

Image result for Congress celebrating healthcare repeal with beer

Congress has repealed the Affordable Care Act (ACA) and replaced it with the American Health Care Act (AHCA). All they had to do was take the word affordable out! It was just that easy and also very American. Now let’s all party at the President’s Palace! (formerly known as the White House) There are free buses to and from and beer and selfies!…But sadly you and I were not invited.

Anyway, experts agree that the changes in America’s Healthcare will mean cheaper prices and more healthcare for the young and the wealthy and more expensive prices for the poor and elderly. Huzzah! This is just as it should be!

If you want something you have to pay for it. This is called Capitalism… and if you want something and don’t have the money to pay for it then you don’t get it. It is a very simple and straight forward system. Tried and true.

So naturally our new Healthcare system favors those who can pay over those who can’t because if you want something that you can’t pay for and then cry about it, you are a Socialist and Socialists can go screw and have babies! And a lot of good that will do them because their babies won’t get healthcare either. So rest easy… In case you were worried.

But look at the bright side. If you are elderly then you are close to dying anyway so isn’t spending money on healthcare a waste of money? And if you are poor then what do you have to live for? (especially in one of the most expensive countries on Earth) so wouldn’t spending money on your health be counter productive? And if you are poor and elderly well then… do the words “cost effective” mean nothing to you?

Besides, the United States is number 1 in child poverty (Among industrial nations) and number 1 in the amount of money we spend (Don’t) on helping the poor. (As in LAST)…in case you were worried again. So when it comes to Entitlements this new Healthcare Act is not one of them! Huzzah again!

Because Freedom is Expensive, not Free! It’s expensive when you are born. Expensive when you are alive and expensive when you die. And if we are doing it right it gets more and more expensive as you go along. That’s called business.

And oh yeah, the new bill eliminates The ACA’s employer mandate, which required large employers to offer affordable coverage to their workers. If the bill becomes law, companies that do not wish to cover their workers will face no penalty. It frees all large employers of the complex reporting necessary to enforce the provision and It also pushes back enactment of a tax on high-cost employer health plans.

So take your excess money (if you have any) and put it in your new Healthcare bank account (tax free) and tell the bank to invest it in Healthcare (not yours silly…the business) and Pharmaceuticals and medical devices and even tanning beds! Those businesses are about to go through the roof! If you’re lucky You’ll be able to cash in on the death and dying of others so that you can afford your own future demise.

And if we can get the banks to bundle these healthcare accounts into derivatives and then sell them back and forth to each other until the whole system collapses under its own weight and from sheer greed, then the feds will have to step in and bail out the entire convoluted establishment and we all get rich…if we don’t get dead first!…which of course we most probably will.

Anyway, I digress. Just look at all of those happy, old, rich, white guys laughing and smiling and about to party like it’s 1776! And most of them haven’t even read the bill they’ve just passed (I kid you not) including the big guy in the middle who says that it’s a great, no, very great, piece of legislation.

But don’t despair yet. The American Senate still has to approve this bill and so far they say that they aren’t going to read it either…just disapprove it… and then make their own healthcare legislation. Why? Because the American Health Care Act is…wait for it…too generous!

So party hearty America!…Happier (if maybe not healthier) days may soon be here again…and If you’re an old, rich, white guy… did they ever really end?

 

 

 

 

Es…say…What???

22 Apr

Image result for get your money's worth

When President Trump was recently asked about his and the Republican party’s continuing effort to replace and repeal the Affordable Care Act this is what he had to say:

“The plan gets better and better and better, and it’s gotten really good, and a lot of people are liking it a lot.”

If this were the answer to an essay about the state of healthcare reform in America today that I had given to one of my Freshman English students it would have received a failing grade…not only because it is incomplete and lacks substance, to say the least, but also because it shows an utter contempt for the assignment, the reader and the English language.

Take out the simple and repeated modifiers and you have PLAN GET… PLAN GOTTEN… PEOPLE LIKING.

Pretty bad for a 15 year old. Not bad for a Neanderthal. And absolutely mind boggling, sad, depressing, embarrassing, ridiculous, insulting, inane, thoughtless, contemptible, and uneducated drivel coming from the President of the United States.

President Trump graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science degree in economics! That means he completed at least 16 years of public and private school education in the United States of America. Quite obviously somebody helped him… but in any case…

He did not get his money’s worth…nor did any American.

 

 

 

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