They Say it Can’t Be Done!

Whenever I get comments from folks who disagree with my view on guns or whenever I listen to Republicans speak about guns, I am always told the same thing. There is no way to keep guns away from bad people and lunatics. First they point out that It can’t be done because laws do not work. If you pass a law on gun control then all you do is control the guns of good people because bad people don’t follow laws.

That’s why we don’t have any laws in this country. Simply put, laws don’t work. Ask any lawyer or lawmaker I guess, and that’s what they’ll tell you. And of course that is why we all live here in the United States…also known as the land of reckless chaos and mayhem. Just ask anyone who tries to cross the border to get here.

Secondly they will point out that there is no sense in trying to keep guns away from the mentally ill because they are very crafty and know how to hide their illness until… WHAM BAM! They’re shooting you upside the head. So background checks can never work because the mentally ill are not just crazy…they’re crazy smart and are able to move about among us undetected. That’s why almost everyone you work with is bat shit crazy and yet somehow still manages to keep their job while you end up doing all of their work.

So in conclusion. Here in the United States, the land of the free, brave, criminal and crazy, there is absolutely nothing that we can do to stem the rising tide of gun violence in our communities. And I mean nothing! Not even prayer works because churches are targeted by gun nuts (the bad kind) just as often as schools (secular and non) are.

So the only way to stop gun violence is? More guns of course! Because once all of the good guys have guns then all of the bad guys will be too scared to start any trouble. And if they do then WHAM BAM! Upside their head…thank you very much. Now as for the mentally ill, well, they’ll still be bat shit crazy and crafty and smart so they will probably continue to commit horrendous acts of violence but their victims will be avenged post haste by those who would have otherwise been soon to be victims, because all students, mothers, teachers, shopkeepers etc. will all be carrying weapons.

And we all know this will work because that’s how the west was won back in the old days! The new sheriff would come to the lawless town where all of the bad guys had guns and he would immediately proceed to hand out guns to all of the towns people. Once all of the towns people were armed they called out the bad guys and if they didn’t all run away the townsfolk shot them! Then the townspeople returned to their homes and their shops and lived, played and slept soundly with their guns by their sides never to be bothered by violence again.Then the sheriff bid farewell and moved on to another town to hand out more guns and save more people from the violent ways of bad people and crazy folks….

Except there was that one town in Kansas,  I think it was, where all of the people were so happy to get their guns that they all celebrated at once by shooting into the air with a loud whoop and a holler…and then sadly all fell dead when the bullets came back down to earth…but on the bright side, the violence did end that very same day.

So yes! The answer is guns and lots of em! We have 300 million guns at large here in the United States and it’s just not enough. And once we have a gun in the hands of every citizen and all of the “gun free” zones disappear there will be peace and quiet throughout the land. It is the only way. Laws and good intentions never work! Everyone knows that. And as the Constitution says, A Well armed people are a happy people.

So Annie and Andy, get your guns! And while you’re at it think up a way to distinguish yourself as a good guy and not a bad one so that when the shooting starts and police show up to see what all the noise is about, they’ll know who to shoot at too. They are a jumpy lot and tend to get scared a lot too (their words not mine) and once they get to shootin’ they don’t usually stop until they’re out of bullets. Happy and safe avenging everyone!

This plan should also help us with our immigration troubles and keep us from having to spend money on that giant wall and don’t forget the money we’ll save on healthcare! We won’t need that anymore…except for treating gunshot wounds (good guys only of course) Because guns don’t kill people. People kill people! And if you outlaw guns then only outlaws will have guns. But if all people have guns then people won’t kill people anymore!…except for some criminals, crazies and avenging angels! (people also, not really angels)

So who says it can’t be done? It can! That’s how the great, legendary lawmen did it in the wild west. Just look it up! Go ahead pardner…I dare ya…