Archive | 8:36 pm

Superstitions and Super Bowls

2 Feb

Pennsyltucky Phil has done it again! It’s Groundhog Day and the little critter has been yanked from his home to make his yearly prediction: Six more weeks of winter! Ouch! Phooey! No Fair! That’s 42 more days, to those out there who are mathematically challenged, of winter! And since it’s February 2nd and the Spring Equinox occurs on March 20th which, for those of you who are scientifically challenged, is when the sun crosses the celestial equator and Spring begins, there are still 46 days until Spring! 

So huzzah! Spring is coming early, by rodent standards that is, whether Phil saw his shadow or not…and if you are governmentally challenged then you have forgotten that daylight savings time begins on March 9th this year and we’ll all get an hour of extra daylight (not really, we’re just moving it from morning to evening) and that’s only 35 days away so thank you Uncle Sam, Spring will be arriving even earlier (as far as I’m concerned. How about you?) again this year!

But even so, tens of thousands of folks gather around each year to see what poor little old comatose Phil, ceremoniously dragged from his cozy hibernation lair, will have to say about it, even though Phil’s track record is less than reliable. He’s only gotten it right just 39 percent of the time since 1887, which of course makes him as accurate as a coin flip…but not really!

I guess we humans just love a good reason (or any) to party, and the good folks of Punxatawny say that this annual event (party) has helped raise millions of dollars for their economy. Meanwhile a few hundred miles east the NFL is celebrating the real end of winter with their annual Super Bowl (party), in which dozens of men collide into one another, (while tens of  millions of others watch) rattling their brains, and lowering their own life expectancy in order to help raise billions of dollars for another great cause…the National Football League. 

If only we humans could find a way (party) to make ourselves care about one another the way we care about superstitions and Super Bowls. There’s no telling how much money we could raise for a good cause (the human race?) then.

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Jersey’s Big Fat Traffic Study

2 Feb

 

This is a paragraph taken from The Traffic Study Policies and Procedures of the City of Los Angeles, Dept. of Transportation:

 

“A traffic study may be required of a development project due to environmental law or to City regulations, and its purpose is to predict and analyze the circulation and congestion impacts of project-generated traffic, and identify feasible mitigation measures.”

You might have heard that here in New Jersey our Governor, Chris Christie, has been accused of purposely creating a major traffic jam at the George Washington Bridge in order to take revenge against the mayor of Fort Lee for not endorsing the Governor’s reelection bid this past November.

Governor Christie denies having any knowledge of the events that led to the traffic congestion and says that it was all the the fault of his aids and staff who were acting without his approval, “I had no knowledge of this — of the planning, the execution or anything about it.” said Sergeant Schultz…I mean the governor…”I was told and thought they were performing a traffic study.”

A TRAFFIC STUDY?! Forget about what Governor Christie knew or didn’t know. Why hasn’t anyone questioned him on what he and his cronies  think a traffic study involves because apparently they are all complete morons and incompetent public servants if they think and believe that a traffic study involves closing 3 lanes from NJ into the George Washington Bridge to see what happens? That’s a study? Really? Someone intelligent, important and/or competent at what they do really needs to observe and STUDY a colossal traffic jam in order to believe that it will happen? When you close down all of the traffic lanes? In New Jersey? Heading to the George Washington Bridge? At rush hour? Really? Seriously? This is the best excuse that you’ve got? And we believe you?!

His saying “I thought it was a traffic jam.” is simply NJ Goombah speak for “Of course I was doing it on purpose with full knowledge aforethought, duh! Now who’s the idiot for asking such an obvious and dumb question?”

It’s like saying, “Hey Tony! Don’t make me come over there and perform a colonoscopy on your ass!” when you’re not a proctologist!

Or, Hey youse! Hows about I come over to your place of business and interview you for that position in the concrete factory in front of all of your friends?” When you don’t own a concrete factory nor plan on conducting an actual job interview!

It’s like running down a rival gang with with your Land Rover and telling the police, “Hey like uh…I thought it was a traffic study!”

We had a bully in the school where I taught, who punched a kid in the hallway just because he didn’t like the kid’s looks which started a tremendous brawl that jammed the hallways and kept everyone from getting to class but later when we finally caught him, rather than own up to it, he told us in all seriousness and with all due respect that he was just conducting a hall traffic study. You know, to see what would happen …so of course we just let him go and spent the rest of the day debating  whether he was telling us the truth or not…

Yeah right! What were we idiots!? He was a wise ass just like most bullies are, but that doesn’t mean we have to believe them.

So now Governor Don Christie’s close personal aid who resigned and took the fall for said traffic jam has come forward to announce that the governor knew all along about the “traffic study” and the dirty trick they were going to play on the mayor and good people of Fort Lee. Of course he didn’t come forward personally but rather issued a statement through his lawyer…most probably because he wants to avoid that later interview at the concrete factory!

So, did our illustrious Governor, born and raised in and vowing never to leave, New Jersey…really know about the… uh…how should I say…said and aforementioned, uh… traffic study? (wink, wink)…before he said he knew about it?

Fuhgetaboutit!

Oh, And by the way, we have a nice bridge we’d like to sell you too.

GRACEFIFTEENTEN

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