Christmas, Your Demise is Greatly Exaggerated

8 Dec

In Iceland they are grieving because a citizen was shot by the police for the first time in its 44 year old Independent Republic’s history.

Here in the United States that happens every day and almost 400 times a year but who’s keeping score? No. I mean literally, there is no one keeping score of such a statistic here in the U.S. If you do some research on the internet you’ll find that some people are trying but officially there is no definite number as to how many U.S. citizens are shot by the police every year.

But in all fairness to our police force we have about 300 million more citizens than Iceland does.

And we have about 35,000 more citizens killed each year by gun violence than Iceland does. Iceland has only about 5 shootings per year…but then again there is that 300 million citizen discrepancy. If Iceland had 300 million citizens they would have about 5,000 shooting deaths per year…of which their police would possibly shoot about 21…statistically speaking that is.

Which would still be 30,000/380 fewer shooting deaths per year than we have!

So what’s my point?

Here in the United States we like to shoot each other. So much so that it really isn’t even news. With almost 100 citizens being shot per day you’d think we’d hear about that more often…but we don’t or at least if we do we don’t seem to pay much attention. Why is that? Is 100 shootings per day too many to care about? Not enough? Just right? In Iceland they’re all bent out of shape about just 1. Do Icelanders love one another more than Americans do…or is it just a numbers thing? Multiply Icelanders by 1,000 each and see if they care when 100 or so turn up on the wrong end of a gun.

Who can say? But my second point is this…If we Americans and our news media are unconcerned with 100 citizens being shot and killed each and every day, why is the supposed and attempted assassination of Christmas such a big story?

If someone were really trying to kill Christmas in this country, it would be dead already!

Wouldn’t it?…

Probably shot dead from a 6th floor department store window during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I mean if anyone really had it out for Christmas it would be Thanksgiving! Right?

But even so, we Americans are a resilient bunch and would probably just brush off Christmas’ untimely death and move on…after a proper grieving period followed by more intensive shopping to get our mind off of our misery. Then we’d just replace Christmas with the new kid on the block like Vice-Christmas or Widow Christmas or Christmas junior or maybe just move straight onto the Superbowl and upgrade its status straight to deity. Then we could have an extra crazy month of shopping and celebrations added to the holiday season!

I’m just saying…

And besides, With all of Santa’s yearly home invasions wouldn’t Christmas have been dead long ago, shot by a vigilant gun owner who just didn’t like surprises?

That is if we Americans really had it in for Christmas?

But we don’t. We love Christmas here in America…and we love it so much that…dare I say… we love it more than we love life itself?

Yes Christmas, you are safe and well here in the United States and although hammers and guns may be of equal and deadly force when it comes to breaking our bones it’s people who kill people not hammers and guns, so certainly being called a name like “holiday” shall never hurt you.

And yes, Virginia, the reports of Christmas’ death are being greatly exaggerated. So don’t you worry about Christmas…you on the other hand, may just want to consider moving to Iceland.


8 Responses to “Christmas, Your Demise is Greatly Exaggerated”

  1. M.G. Piety December 8, 2013 at 9:04 pm #

    Oh man, this is a wonderful piece. You have done it again!

  2. shunpwrites December 8, 2013 at 11:34 pm #

    Well said!

  3. A Voice December 9, 2013 at 4:02 am #

    “We love Christmas here in America…and we love it so much that…dare I say… we love it more than we love life itself?”

    Considering the complete fucknuttery that comes with Black Friday, I’d say that you’re right -but with a caveat. Americans love the commercialised aspect of Christmas and that’s about it…which makes a lot of sense when you take into consideration that, in America, pretty much everything is ‘a product’. We don’t even speak in terms of people or individual things anymore, just ‘products’ and ‘consumers’.

    Maybe gun violence could be curbed if we talked about the loss of current and potential consumers instead of pointing out the tragic deaths of children, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, et cetera. Things need to be put in the proper context and the proper language: American Marketing Speak.

  4. Dan Hennessy December 9, 2013 at 4:19 am #

    I like the 2nd to last paragraph . ‘ Hammers and knives and guns can kill me , but words will never hurt me ‘ — isn’t that the old saying , sort of . So , you make a good point about the so-called War on Christmas , use of ” holiday ” and all that . Well done !

  5. mixedupmeme December 9, 2013 at 10:58 am #

    Love all your posts!

  6. avwalters December 9, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

    Yes, the American propensity for violence has me looking seriously at epigenetic explanations. As for what Americans love about Christmas–it is clearly the stuff of it. Black Friday is the kickoff to the extreme sport of shopping. If you want to look for a real addiction in this country, drugs and alcohol are merely the tip of the iceberg. Consumerism is the crux of it. And yet the far right shakes their fist at those struggling with necessities and seeks to cancel SNAP. What? So children can go hungry?
    The holidays are a time of amazing contradictions.

  7. pi314chron January 1, 2014 at 4:58 am #

    Clever premise, well organized, and logic tighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse! I’m honored that you dropped by and hit the “like” switch on a haiku or two. Drop by whenever you can or “follow” if you just can’t keep from it. Love to have you!



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