So A Man Walks Onto A Yacht and Says…

15 Sep

“Where’s the Boat!?”

Sports in America continue to boggle my mind. Perhaps it’s the same everywhere and perhaps I am just getting too old but it seems to me that in man’s (and woman’s) never ending quest for winning at whatever sport they are playing…winning definitely is everything.

Rules, limits, equipment, bodies…everything, is on steroids these days! Steroids of course being the metaphor for supercharged or ramped up or the undeniable fact that anything goes in our never ending quest for victory!

What happened to simply playing the game? Or in this case…sailing the yacht?

Anyway, today I was watching The America’s Cup yacht race live on television from San Fransisco, California.

Remember when yachts used to be rich men’s boats and they looked like boats…with sails and…well….boats underneath them?

Today’s yachts are giant sails with comparatively small pontoons attached and a space in the pontoons where men sit steering the “yacht” across the water and towards the finish line, while Mother Nature does her best to toss them all overboard before they get there…definitely not very yacht like and certainly not very gentlemanly.

During the first race the yacht from New Zealand actually went airborne for a second and almost landed atop the yacht from the USA. When was the last time you had that happen to you while yachting? And when was the last time you were ever in a boat (that wasn’t a submarine) where the captain shouted for you to look up to see if there were any other boats around?!

The USA team won that first race because…well, you’ve probably guessed it…there’s no flying in yachting. At least not yet.

But then in the second race something happened that I never thought would ever be possible in a sailboat race.

The race was cancelled a few minutes after it started because of wind!

Yes that’s right…there was too much wind! In a sailboat race! That’s like having too much sunshine at a tanning competition! Isn’t it? (somewhere in the world there must be tanning competitions, right?) “Oh my god! Stop the tanning competition! The sun just came out and my bio-engineered bacon skin just can’t take it! Ahhhhhhhhhh…”

So the yachting race was canceled on account of too much wind…which in my memory of being on a sailboat was just never possible. There was such a thing back in my day as “taking in the sails” if going fast on a “yacht” was just not your thing, because you might spill your champagne or misplace your silverware or bounce your trophy wife overboard or something like that…but in today’s professional “yachting”, flying is a definite possibility and apparently not something to be encouraged…not to mention dangerous…but then again this is only 2013 and by 2023 or so the yacht that flies the best will probably be the world’s champion.

Anyway, there you have it…a sailboat race canceled on account of wind. Now the equipment is on steroids too!

I wonder why A-Rod hasn’t considered stepping up to the plate with a turbo, spring-loaded, giant wooden arm? (I know aluminum would be against the rules but is playing with a wooden limb, a la Monte Straton, still allowed? Something to think about now isn’t it?)

4 Responses to “So A Man Walks Onto A Yacht and Says…”

  1. emmylgant September 15, 2013 at 8:39 am #

    It would be funny if it weren’t so sad. The double speak has gone global and mainstream so we don’t even notice anymore… Thank you for this one.

  2. onnovocks September 15, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    Yep, they should call it the Americas Cup Sailing Craft Race. But not much has changed really, what started out as 2 show-offs racing their luxury commuters soon turned to special coatings and winged keels in empty hulls that still looked like sail boats. Todays winged multi-hulls are just a continuation of that trend, but I agree that too much wind should be a dis-qualifier for any craft to partake in a race where Money, is often a major factor.

  3. kingmidget September 15, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    What I don’t get with the America’s Cup is that the rules change for every competition. Whoever wins gets to make the rules for the next one. Do I care much about yachting? Absolutely not, but it’s one of those things that comes along rarely enough that it is interesting. But, you’re right, the rules for this year’s competition make it seem extremely un-yacht-like and un-sailing-like.

  4. Sheri de Grom September 22, 2013 at 1:14 am #

    I know it’s not nice of me to ponder but I can’t help myself. With the money spent, how many American children could have food and healthcare?

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