Archive | 3:08 am

Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Pitchers

8 Sep

For some reason that I am not aware of, steroids do not appear to work as effectively on a baseball pitcher as they do on a baseball batter.

I have just watched the New York Yankees score 25 runs in the last 3 games and get clobbered in each game by the Boston Red Sox who scored 34 runs during that same span…not to mention the 20 runs they scored in the game the night before they flew into New York!

In all of my years watching baseball I have never seen anything like it…except in the little league minor leagues of my home town back in the 60’s when the Bisons defeated the Cubs 34-25 in one 6 inning game.

The Red Sox must be taking better drugs than the Yankees or perhaps they have been adding Abilify to their daily drug regimen for that extra oomph!

Whatever it is, I know I shouldn’t complain because my team has A-Roid but seriously, have you seen the Boston Red Sox lately? They all look and act like angry Viking Lumberjacks and I swear that when one guy runs into their dugout he soon runs out again sporting a full beard! It has to be drugs!

Even the announcers noted that one of the Sox players trained during the off season with the Detroit Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera, who no longer looks at all like himself but rather more like the Hulk as compared to his former self, Dr. Bruce Banner after exposure to gamma radiation…

Come to think of it, the only pitchers who could get anybody out so far this weekend were all from Japan where perhaps Japan’s recent radiation woes and the Godzilla effect has come into play enhancing their arm strength and pitching abilities…?

Anyway, what has happened to baseball? Teams are not supposed to score 54 runs in 4 games. Besides the games are now all 8 hours long!

It has to be drugs of some kind or another because here in America we are responsible for taking 80% of all of the drugs that people take in the world…so it just kinda makes sense that it would be drugs, right?

And in a side note, J.R. Smith of the New York Knicks basketball team was just suspended for 5 games for smoking marijuana!

That’s so 50 years ago! I mean really…smoking marijuana? Today Guys in professional sports are sticking needles in their asses filled with chemicals that weren’t even invented yet back during the days of potheads and ponytails and we’re still suspending them for smoking weed?! In NYC they are stopping and frisking teenagers just to catch and incarcerate someone with a joint or two, while over in Yankee Stadium there must be whole pharmacies of modern day, mind bending and body enhancing drugs to catch people with!…and that’s probably just what’s in the pockets of the guys in the “cheap” seats let alone the locker rooms.

What I’d like to see is mandatory pot smoking in the major leagues just to slow today’s roid-ragers down long enough for me to keep score and follow the action.

But I digress…my real message to parents everywhere is, don’t let your children grow up to be pitchers! There’s no future in it…They’ll just meet up with a lot of disappointment, heartache, sore elbows, angry batsmen, apoplectic managers, disgruntled fans and loads of drugs…namely in the form of anti-depressants.

Better they just stick with the bat and the ball and hopefully lots of southern exposure to some good old fashion gamma rays… because if they want to become America’s future professional athletes then believe me, they’re probably going to need it.


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