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Bizzarro Ball

20 Aug

Yesterday I may have witnessed the most entertaining baseball game in history.

It was already sure to be a barn burner because it featured that classic and age old rivalry of The mighty Yankees vs. the dreaded Red Sox when up to the plate stepped the Yankees third baseman, the most vilified baseball player of the modern era, A-Rod the Steroidable, while on the mound stood the home team’s hopeful and champion for goodness, Ryan the incorruptible Red Sock , Dempster.

It was a classic face off…good vs. evil…When low and behold the clouds darkened and The force for Goodness proceeded to throw 4 straight pitches at the evil Dr. of baseball, finally plunking him on the shoulder with his last pitch! The Red Sox hurler couldn’t have been more obvious about his evil intentions if he had strolled up to the plate, grabbed the bat from the Yankee batsman’s hands and whacked him upside the head with it… And all while the entire baseball world watched on TV!

Good assaulting evil? With malice aforethought? Why, that’s unheard of! It’s supposed to be the other way around. Even the umpire was so confused that he refused to throw the assaulting pitcher out of the game. One can’t punish good for doing wrong to evil can one?

Even the players of both teams were perplexed as they stormed from their opposing dugouts onto the field where, rather than engaging in angry fisticuffs, they began to mill around in confusion not knowing who to defend…or hit: The aggressive good guy who did a bad thing or the defenseless bad guy who was now the good guy just minding his own business at home?

Yankees manager, Joe Girardi, nearly died in a fit of apoplexy while cavorting about in front of the umpire trying to make sense of it all. “You should throw the bum out!” He appeared to be yelling while the umpire was trying to figure out which bum he meant.

And then from there the game simply,  evolved… or did it devolve…into a reverse…or was it perverse… form of hero saga as the Red Sox jumped into the lead by virtue of their righteous anger and mission to  show these once mighty Yankees and the world that cheating through the use of performance enhancing drugs would no longer and could never again be tolerated on such a stage!

But then, in a most bizarre twist of events, the Darth Vader of hardball, the man they now derisively called A-Roid, returned to the scene of the crime to once again stand at that fateful plate and face off against his Luke Sky-walker of a foe only to this time meet the mighty mounds-man’s  most righteous lightning bolt of a fastball with the mighty tha-whack! of a lecherous long-ball into the deepest depths of centerfield…

It was an A-bomb for A-Rod!

A shot heard round the house of he who has not sinned and far into the dark night of strange redemption… for what followed was a Yankees stampede of hits and runs that brought the forces of Red Sox goodness to their knees while elevating this cheating cheater (for it has been foretold that he hath cheated more than once!) and his cohorts to victory!

Have the Baseball Gods gone mad?

Has all hell broken loose?

For only in Bizarro World could such things happen!

And what does this portend for the future of our national pastime? Will A-Rod lead the forces of darkness through to the playoff wilderness and out into the light of the World Series, there to prevail in a bizarre and dark victory of un-justice???

Can you even imagine such a bizarre and twisted ending??? The accused and presumed guilty criminal achieving ultimate victory over his captors while out on bail and before his inevitable death sentence is served?

Why It’s unthinkable! Unheard of! Unheroic!

But in Bizarro world anything is possible!

That’s why from here on in my money’s on the Cubs!


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