Damn Senators!?

2 Apr

It’s only been 1 game but already my beloved Yankees are in last place. Many are predicting that this is the beginning of the end for this great sports dynasty in fact even the New York Yankees opened their 2013 Television season with the motto “It’s the beginning of the end!”

They were referring to  this being the farewell season of relief pitcher Mariano Rivera but seriously what were they thinking? Oh the irony!

But of course it is still early and not yet time to throw in the entire towel but I have a solution as to how the Yankees can guarantee victory for this season and for all seasons to come…and the answer is Congress!

What the Yankees need to do is stop wasting money on player development and free agent contracts and begin working on umpire development. If the Yankees can put all of their money (and they can do that now thanks to the U.S Supreme Court) behind one umpire of their choosing and get that umpire elected to the Congress of the United States they can then begin moving all of their money out of player development and salaries and into legal contributions to their umpire Congressman now turned lifelong friend.

This Congressman can then begin using all of the money that the Yankees can spare to contribute to his future campaigns by enhancing the lives and well being of other umpires (who are not congressmen but still just umpires) by adding earmarks to various congressional bills that will steer money into…oh let’s say… the World Umpires Association’s pension fund or whatever it is that umpires like. (And thanks to Congress these earmarks can be secret!…Shhhhh)

All the umpires would then have to do for the Yankees is…

Now some might say that this would be bribery in its most base and disgusting form and also illegal.

But in Congress it’s called Congressional Lobbying and it would be perfectly legal and extremely above board if perhaps not exactly cricket (but we’re talking about baseball here and not cricket)

And it wouldn’t be as though the Yankees’ manager would walk right up to the umpires at the beginning of each game with the lineup card and a bag full of money. My way would be much more subtle, refined and deserving of the dignity the New York Yankees command and deserve. After all they’re the Yankees. What better team than the namesake of our country to pioneer such sports innovation?

And they’d better hurry because what if some other team thinks of it first? Like…god forbid…The Pirates!

* Has anyone noticed how well the Washington Senators have been doing these days?!

7 Responses to “Damn Senators!?”

  1. momshieb April 2, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    What a fabulous metaphor, and perfect description of the mess that is congressional lobbying!
    I’m going to pass it on to the Red Sox right away!

  2. trophos April 3, 2013 at 3:24 am #

    I am enjoying these extended baseball metaphors enormously. Seems like my Phightin’ Phils might need a similar strategy this season.

  3. TamrahJo April 3, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    It amazes me what goes on in the world under the banner of “It’s Legal” …

  4. Little Bird's Dad April 3, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    As a Yankee fan, I feel confident that the new Yankee motto (“The Beginning of the End”) is not accidental. Looking at their 2013 lineup, and seeing its resemblance to their 1965 and 1985 lineups, they wanted to use one of these mottos “Free Luis Polonia” or “Bring back Pags (Pagliarulo)”, but figured nobody really knew who they were.

    I think I’m rooting for the Astros this year. 🙂

    Nice post!

  5. ranu802 April 3, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

    It’s only one game.I am willing to bet the Yanks will not be in the last place we have to thank those birds.I won’t name them.I like to stay out of trouble.
    Ranu

  6. silverliner98 April 5, 2013 at 3:48 am #

    “It’s the beginning of the end!” That is a horrendous PR move! But then again, when on a sinking ship….

  7. alesiablogs April 8, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

    I know I can always count on you to say it like it is! Even with an analogy! You are my GO TO guy for making things make sense! Great Post!. Go Mariners! You know I had to say that living in Seattle and we have sucked lately…HOPE it is not because my senator ladies aren’t getting the “job” done in DC! lol

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