It’s only been 1 game but already my beloved Yankees are in last place. Many are predicting that this is the beginning of the end for this great sports dynasty in fact even the New York Yankees opened their 2013 Television season with the motto “It’s the beginning of the end!”
They were referring to this being the farewell season of relief pitcher Mariano Rivera but seriously what were they thinking? Oh the irony!
But of course it is still early and not yet time to throw in the entire towel but I have a solution as to how the Yankees can guarantee victory for this season and for all seasons to come…and the answer is Congress!
What the Yankees need to do is stop wasting money on player development and free agent contracts and begin working on umpire development. If the Yankees can put all of their money (and they can do that now thanks to the U.S Supreme Court) behind one umpire of their choosing and get that umpire elected to the Congress of the United States they can then begin moving all of their money out of player development and salaries and into legal contributions to their umpire Congressman now turned lifelong friend.
This Congressman can then begin using all of the money that the Yankees can spare to contribute to his future campaigns by enhancing the lives and well being of other umpires (who are not congressmen but still just umpires) by adding earmarks to various congressional bills that will steer money into…oh let’s say… the World Umpires Association’s pension fund or whatever it is that umpires like. (And thanks to Congress these earmarks can be secret!…Shhhhh)
All the umpires would then have to do for the Yankees is…
Now some might say that this would be bribery in its most base and disgusting form and also illegal.
But in Congress it’s called Congressional Lobbying and it would be perfectly legal and extremely above board if perhaps not exactly cricket (but we’re talking about baseball here and not cricket)
And it wouldn’t be as though the Yankees’ manager would walk right up to the umpires at the beginning of each game with the lineup card and a bag full of money. My way would be much more subtle, refined and deserving of the dignity the New York Yankees command and deserve. After all they’re the Yankees. What better team than the namesake of our country to pioneer such sports innovation?
And they’d better hurry because what if some other team thinks of it first? Like…god forbid…The Pirates!
* Has anyone noticed how well the Washington Senators have been doing these days?!