Tag Archives: humor

How to Defeat Aliens and Save the World

14 Oct

Something occurred to me last night while watching television…

If you watch a lot of television like I do (I admit it) then you may have noticed what I have noticed. In all police dramas, police officers always carry handguns and the bad guys that they face almost always carry machine guns of one variety or another. But no matter how many rounds the bad guys fire, they never hit any policemen. And when the police officer finally returns fire he/she always hits his target.

Now, in all science fiction shows the good guys (usually military) almost always carry machine guns (of one type or another) while defending the planet Earth or when traveling to distant worlds (also to defend planet Earth). And the Aliens always use strange and deadly laser weapons of one kind or another. But…no matter how many times those aliens use their powerfully advanced laser weapons they never hit any Earthlings (besides hitting everything else). And when the humans return fire with their machine guns…well, it’s always bad news for the aliens. And no matter what alien race we meet and no matter how advanced their alien species may be, those aliens have never ever seen a machine gun nor developed any defense against them.

Has anyone else ever noticed this?

So handgun defeats machine gun defeats alien, ergo: any policeman could defeat any alien!

According to the United Nations the world employs about 300 police officers for every 100 thousand citizens so that means we have about 21 million law enforcement officers in the world with guns.

This is what 50+ years of watching television has taught me: the planet Earth is safe from aliens!

So, People of Earth, rest easy…at least as far as an alien invasion goes…everything else? Go ahead and worry…

Where Have all the Fauna Gone?

8 Oct

Perhaps you have heard about or read about this: Half the Earth’s animals – birds, reptiles, amphibians and fish, have disappeared between 1970 and 2010, according to a new report from the World Wildlife Fund…and they don’t mean disappeared as in hiding, but rather disappeared as in no longer living on the planet! Two years ago they estimated the decline at 30 percent so we humans have really stepped up our exterminating efforts lately.

Actually I cheated and rounded out the decline. It’s really 52% and if you’re a fisherman the decline in fresh-water fish is even worse at 75%…so fishermen, start throwing them back!

PLANET EARTH!: Now with 60% fewer elephants and lions! Oh my!

And wouldn’t you know it, The situation is worst in poorer countries because richer nations actually saw a 10 per cent increase in wildlife numbers. So the rich get richer…even in animals! The report blames the animal loss on human activity, including deforestation, overfishing and hunting, and climate change…if you believe in such things. It seems that rich countries outsource biodiversity loss to poor countries by buying products, such as palm oil, etc. that are unsustainable…and I’m sure they do lots of other things too, like drilling and digging and fracking and slashing and burning and pillaging and other fun stuff…far away from where the wealthy folks live.

But don’t despair… because what do we have more of since 1974? We have more Humans! We’ve gone from 4 billion to 7 billion with a bullet…that’s almost 100% more humans…in just 40 years. So on the bright side, while being human has become more superfluous, being an animal has become more special! Or is that the dark side? Anyway, Back in 1955 when I was born I was 1 in 2,755,823,000…now I’m just 1 in 7,265,872,000. I’m becoming more and more insignificant everyday!

The report also ranked countries by their “ecological footprint”, which is the area of land each person needs to support their lifestyle. Being a Qatari is the worst, or most wasteful or most special, depending upon how you look at such things, because the lifestyle of each Qatari requires 25 acres of resources. The average American only requires about 17 and a half acres while Brits need a measly 12.5. The lowest ecological footprint was in East Timor at a mere one and one quarter acre per person. Ahhh, if only we could all live like East Timorians! (How do they live, I wonder?)

The report went on to add that If all people on the planet had the footprint of the average resident of Qatar, we would need 4.8 planets just to sustain ourselves…Those wasteful Qataris! We Americans could do it with just 3 and 1/3 Earths! Besides, most of us Americans don’t even know where Qataris and Qatar are, let alone how to live like one.

So What are we poor humans to do? Our world’s human population has experienced continuous growth since the end of the Great Famine and the Black Death in 1350, that was over 600 and 60 years ago! Since then we’ve done our best to control our own growth. We’ve tried religious wars, colonial wars, world wars, slavery. genocide, ethnic cleansing, holocausts, eugenics…but all to no avail. Ever since we solved our difficulties with food production and disease Our human population just keeps on keepin’ on…I suppose nothing can control animal populations like famine and disease can.

And get this. I recently read in a New York Times article that Louisiana loses one acre of land every hour to erosion, sea level rise and wetlands destruction. Thanks in part (and a big part) to our never ending search for more fossil fuels through drilling, fracking and extraction. But can you blame us? We all just want to live more comfortable, happy and exciting lives with the best technologies available for a modern society… can you blame us? Can you stop us? Can we stop ourselves? And that’s just land we’re losing in Louisiana, USA. What about the rest of the world’s land liquidation in the name of progress?

Did you happen to see that photo recently of the 35,000 walruses that came together in record numbers off Alaska’s northwest coast because they couldn’t find enough sea ice to rest on. That can’t be a good sign for anyone, let alone walruses.

PLANET EARTH: Now with 10% less earth!

How will it all end and where will we go from here? Today in the mail I received a brochure to attend a free Bible study class where we can discuss the exciting “End Times” that we are all living in. Whoopee! There’s a positive answer to our problems, which perhaps, according to my brochure, aren’t problems at all?

If you ask politicians they’ll say, “Endless growth is what we need!” Ask theologians and they’ll say, “Endless bounty and dominion over the Earth and its animals is what we’ve been promised!” Ask Red Lobster and they’ll say, “Endless Shrimp!” They can’t all be right…something’s gotta give sometime…doesn’t it?

Isn’t this all at least very interesting…and frightening? Will we humans finally learn to live more humbly and in harmony with each other and our mother, Earth? Will we all finally learn how to share and share alike with each other and with all of God’s creatures… or are we humans simply just modern age dinosaurs waiting to go not so quietly into that meteoric light of someone or something elses brand new day?

So Stay tuned!…because… whether you are interested or simply find this all quite droll and utterly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, considering all of the troubles you have already… How can you not? We Earthlings are a captive audience! We’ve no place else to go!

Now Playing: PLANET EARTH: In its 4.54th billionth season! And still…The only Planet in town!

The Greatest Dick in the World

27 Sep

http://rightweb.irc-online.org/images/uploads/dick-cheney.jpg670px-dick_cheney

Dick Cheney…of course!         Anyone care to disagree?

The Other Holy Land?

13 Aug

I would venture to guess that just about everyone can identify where the Holy Land is on a map of the world and why it is known as the Holy Land… because that is where religion and god were born of course. (fancy god being born!)

But I digress, because you would think that a planet’s Holy Land would be a place of peace and prosperity and provide a model for living and behavior to every other living thing on the planet…but our Holy land is exactly the opposite.

It’s a place that is home to thousands of years of bickering and strife, war and terror, unrest and injustice. Maybe it is a model for humanity, judging by how we all live in other parts of the world, but if it is it sure is a lousy one.

What is so Holy about it anyway? And if it is God’s “special place” then how does one explain it for God’s sake? Judaism and Islam have been fighting over who has the most special claim to it and they apparently have vowed to fight about it until the crack of doom. And Christianity is all aglow as to the way things are there because if all remains as it is now then it means that the “crack of doom” is nigh and God will soon return! But on a sadder Christian note… to destroy us all!

How cool…and Holy…is that?

Legend has it that Iceland was originally named Iceland so that foreigners would be frightened off and stay away from what was really a nice place to live. While Greenland, a cold and desolate place, was named Greenland so that folks would want to go there instead, and of course, miss Iceland all together.

Perhaps that’s what’s happened with the Holy Land. I think it is actually some other-where like for instance, Antarctica (Brrrrrr)… where all of the people there, and from many different countries, agree to live in peace and work harmoniously towards scientific and humanitarian goals…plus there hasn’t been a war there in…forever!

Maybe the fact that it’s not (incredibly) hot there is also a clue? I don’t know…just a thought.

 

 

 

 

Cloudy With No Chance of Guacamole?

11 Mar

A Guacamole warning has been issued!

According to Gary Bender, a University of California avocado expert, avocados which are used in making guacamole, are shrinking in size because of low rainfall totals, cool temperatures, and sluggish photosynthesizing, which have led to avocados’ reduced size. California, which has been facing severe droughts, is the country’s premiere source for avocados and scientists are now projecting that California’s agriculture production could decline by as much as 40 percent by the middle of the century because of global climate change.

But there is no need to look out for falling guacamole because the warning was issued by the food chain, Chipotle. Their restaurants may stop serving guacamole because avocado prices are increasing as climate change affects their availability…but that’s not all, Chipotle is also concerned about the rising costs of chicken, beef, cheese, beans, rice, tomatoes and pork too!

But hey, that’s only if you believe in global climate change and global warming. Besides, who needs guacamole?

First climate change took the avocados, and I did not speak out– Because I didn’t eat guacamole.

Then climate change took the cheese, and I did not speak out–Because I was lactose intolerant.

Then global warming dried up the land and the lakes and the chicken, cows and pigs went thirsty–So I became a vegetarian.

Then climate change came for me, and I said–

Thank god for that new restaurant “Petrolee-YUM” where there ‘s always lots of Twinkies, margarine and whipped topping!

Here’s Looking at You…Kid

6 Mar

Here is a new word for your dictionary!

De-extinction.

Scientists are now working hard on ways to bring extinct animals back to life… like the Wooly Mammoth, Saber Tooth Tiger, Giant Auk and for some reason, the Passenger Pigeon! Why you ask? The main answers seem to be those good old scientific mainstays: “Why not?” and “Because we’d like to see if we can do it!”

But what I’m thinking is that you know there must be a billionaire or two out there who are thinking about their own soon to be and eminent extinctions and the possibility of resurrecting themselves some day. I mean, who needs a Wooly mammoth when they can have another…me! You just know that Donald Trump has to be thinking along these lines…

Anyway, just imagine a not so distant future when all of this de-extinction technology becomes routine and saving your DNA becomes an iPhone app and everybody’s doing it. And then imagine that your will contains the stipulation that if your ancestors want to inherit your stuff (money) then they must agree to give birth to…you!

Or what about a future when you and your wife, when deciding it’s time to have children, can decide to have… yous!

Oh boy! You just know that this technology is going to create havoc someday with either the unexpected return of giant Wooly Mammoth stampedes or with eccentric billionaires suddenly replicating like flocks of Passenger Pigeons! (I’m pretty sure us little people will most likely be denied this technology either through expense or “for our own good”, reasons)

And don’t be surprised if this technology first appears in humans somewhere within the sports world, where almost all scientific breakthroughs that could lead to more homeruns or larger offensive linemen, do. They say that A-Rod is keeping a low profile over the next year while he sits out his MLB suspension before returning to the Yankees in 2015.

If he shows up with 3 younger brothers who look just like him who can play 1st, 2nd and short, then I’d say that somewhere George Steinbrenner, is alive and well and having lunch with Donald Trump(s) in a sky box in centerfield.

And Thanks to new words like de-extinction, it could happen…someday?

Winter Gondwanaland!

21 Dec

http://o.aolcdn.com/dims-global/dims3/GLOB/resize/600x400/http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/211/844/3/S2118443/slug/l/163171058-1.jpg

There’s diamonds in them there hills!

According to researchers a kind of rock that often contains diamonds has been found in Antarctica for the first time, and even though they haven’t found the diamonds yet they’re pretty confident that they are there because Eastern Antarctica was once part of a continent known as Gondwanaland, connected to what is now Africa and India, which also have kimberlite, which is the particular kind of rock that was just discovered in the real land down under the “land down under”.

So grab your ice picks and snow shovels because not only does Antarctica now potentially have diamonds it also already has Gold, platinum, copper, iron and coal, making it a veritable miners paradise!

So what are we prospectors, entrepreneurs and small business owners waiting for?

Well, unfortunately Antarctica is the coldest place on Earth…only minus 135 degrees…in the sun! and sadly, in Antarctica mining is internationally banned.

But the good news is that The 1991 environmental accord only banned mining for at least 50 years. Which means that 2041 is only 27 years away and with a little help from global warning…er, I mean…climate change…um, or rather… god’s warm loving, how cold can it be there by then?

The gold, platinum and diamonds will probably just be laying around for the picking! So let’s go 41’ers! There’s ice in that there ice! Hooray!

And even though international Antarctic experts say that mining is highly unlikely and ill advised in such a remote, cold and environmentally protected area, they obviously don’t know the tenacity, indefatigability and pertinacity of guys like Dick Cheney and corporations like Halliburton like we fellow Americans do!

Plus, I just read that there’s already an ice highway being built from the northern coast to the South Pole… already in its second year of construction…I kid you not! So…

Oh frack!

Never-mind…

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