Tag Archives: humor

The Other Holy Land?

13 Aug

I would venture to guess that just about everyone can identify where the Holy Land is on a map of the world and why it is known as the Holy Land… because that is where religion and god were born of course. (fancy god being born!)

But I digress, because you would think that a planet’s Holy Land would be a place of peace and prosperity and provide a model for living and behavior to every other living thing on the planet…but our Holy land is exactly the opposite.

It’s a place that is home to thousands of years of bickering and strife, war and terror, unrest and injustice. Maybe it is a model for humanity, judging by how we all live in other parts of the world, but if it is it sure is a lousy one.

What is so Holy about it anyway? And if it is God’s “special place” then how does one explain it for God’s sake? Judaism and Islam have been fighting over who has the most special claim to it and they apparently have vowed to fight about it until the crack of doom. And Christianity is all aglow as to the way things are there because if all remains as it is now then it means that the “crack of doom” is nigh and God will soon return! But on a sadder Christian note… to destroy us all!

How cool…and Holy…is that?

Legend has it that Iceland was originally named Iceland so that foreigners would be frightened off and stay away from what was really a nice place to live. While Greenland, a cold and desolate place, was named Greenland so that folks would want to go there instead, and of course, miss Iceland all together.

Perhaps that’s what’s happened with the Holy Land. I think it is actually some other-where like for instance, Antarctica (Brrrrrr)… where all of the people there, and from many different countries, agree to live in peace and work harmoniously towards scientific and humanitarian goals…plus there hasn’t been a war there in…forever!

Maybe the fact that it’s not (incredibly) hot there is also a clue? I don’t know…just a thought.

 

 

 

 

Cloudy With No Chance of Guacamole?

11 Mar

A Guacamole warning has been issued!

According to Gary Bender, a University of California avocado expert, avocados which are used in making guacamole, are shrinking in size because of low rainfall totals, cool temperatures, and sluggish photosynthesizing, which have led to avocados’ reduced size. California, which has been facing severe droughts, is the country’s premiere source for avocados and scientists are now projecting that California’s agriculture production could decline by as much as 40 percent by the middle of the century because of global climate change.

But there is no need to look out for falling guacamole because the warning was issued by the food chain, Chipotle. Their restaurants may stop serving guacamole because avocado prices are increasing as climate change affects their availability…but that’s not all, Chipotle is also concerned about the rising costs of chicken, beef, cheese, beans, rice, tomatoes and pork too!

But hey, that’s only if you believe in global climate change and global warming. Besides, who needs guacamole?

First climate change took the avocados, and I did not speak out– Because I didn’t eat guacamole.

Then climate change took the cheese, and I did not speak out–Because I was lactose intolerant.

Then global warming dried up the land and the lakes and the chicken, cows and pigs went thirsty–So I became a vegetarian.

Then climate change came for me, and I said–

Thank god for that new restaurant “Petrolee-YUM” where there ‘s always lots of Twinkies, margarine and whipped topping!

Here’s Looking at You…Kid

6 Mar

Here is a new word for your dictionary!

De-extinction.

Scientists are now working hard on ways to bring extinct animals back to life… like the Wooly Mammoth, Saber Tooth Tiger, Giant Auk and for some reason, the Passenger Pigeon! Why you ask? The main answers seem to be those good old scientific mainstays: “Why not?” and “Because we’d like to see if we can do it!”

But what I’m thinking is that you know there must be a billionaire or two out there who are thinking about their own soon to be and eminent extinctions and the possibility of resurrecting themselves some day. I mean, who needs a Wooly mammoth when they can have another…me! You just know that Donald Trump has to be thinking along these lines…

Anyway, just imagine a not so distant future when all of this de-extinction technology becomes routine and saving your DNA becomes an iPhone app and everybody’s doing it. And then imagine that your will contains the stipulation that if your ancestors want to inherit your stuff (money) then they must agree to give birth to…you!

Or what about a future when you and your wife, when deciding it’s time to have children, can decide to have… yous!

Oh boy! You just know that this technology is going to create havoc someday with either the unexpected return of giant Wooly Mammoth stampedes or with eccentric billionaires suddenly replicating like flocks of Passenger Pigeons! (I’m pretty sure us little people will most likely be denied this technology either through expense or “for our own good”, reasons)

And don’t be surprised if this technology first appears in humans somewhere within the sports world, where almost all scientific breakthroughs that could lead to more homeruns or larger offensive linemen, do. They say that A-Rod is keeping a low profile over the next year while he sits out his MLB suspension before returning to the Yankees in 2015.

If he shows up with 3 younger brothers who look just like him who can play 1st, 2nd and short, then I’d say that somewhere George Steinbrenner, is alive and well and having lunch with Donald Trump(s) in a sky box in centerfield.

And Thanks to new words like de-extinction, it could happen…someday?

Winter Gondwanaland!

21 Dec

http://o.aolcdn.com/dims-global/dims3/GLOB/resize/600x400/http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/211/844/3/S2118443/slug/l/163171058-1.jpg

There’s diamonds in them there hills!

According to researchers a kind of rock that often contains diamonds has been found in Antarctica for the first time, and even though they haven’t found the diamonds yet they’re pretty confident that they are there because Eastern Antarctica was once part of a continent known as Gondwanaland, connected to what is now Africa and India, which also have kimberlite, which is the particular kind of rock that was just discovered in the real land down under the “land down under”.

So grab your ice picks and snow shovels because not only does Antarctica now potentially have diamonds it also already has Gold, platinum, copper, iron and coal, making it a veritable miners paradise!

So what are we prospectors, entrepreneurs and small business owners waiting for?

Well, unfortunately Antarctica is the coldest place on Earth…only minus 135 degrees…in the sun! and sadly, in Antarctica mining is internationally banned.

But the good news is that The 1991 environmental accord only banned mining for at least 50 years. Which means that 2041 is only 27 years away and with a little help from global warning…er, I mean…climate change…um, or rather… god’s warm loving, how cold can it be there by then?

The gold, platinum and diamonds will probably just be laying around for the picking! So let’s go 41’ers! There’s ice in that there ice! Hooray!

And even though international Antarctic experts say that mining is highly unlikely and ill advised in such a remote, cold and environmentally protected area, they obviously don’t know the tenacity, indefatigability and pertinacity of guys like Dick Cheney and corporations like Halliburton like we fellow Americans do!

Plus, I just read that there’s already an ice highway being built from the northern coast to the South Pole… already in its second year of construction…I kid you not! So…

Oh frack!

Never-mind…

Another Reason Why Christmas Need Have No Fear.

11 Dec

I like to think that I’m up on current events but I was shocked and surprised to read  that the much revered and beloved Nelson Mandela, who passed away this week, was on The United States terrorist watch list from 1986 until 2008!

This human rights icon, remained on the U.S. terrorism watch list until 2008, when then-President George W. Bush (of all people) finally signed a bill, approved by Congress, and removing him from the list.

South Africa’s apartheid regime designated Mr. Mandela’s African National Congress as a terrorist organization for its battle against the nation’s legalized system of racial segregation that lasted from 1948 to 1994. Soon after then U.K. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher followed suit by describing the ANC as a typical terrorist organization and then our own President Ronald Reagan agreed!

 

And then again In 1986, our very own beloved statesman, Dick Cheney, then a U.S. congressman, voted along with 179 other members of the House against a non-binding resolution to recognize the ANC and call on the South African government to release Mandela from prison. The measure finally passed however, (whew!) …but not before a veto attempt by President Reagan!

 

And 14 years later, In 2000, soon to be Vice-President Cheney still maintained that he’d cast the correct vote!

So what does all this have to do with Christmas?

Well, I think that our much beloved traditions surrounding Christmas and its celebration here in the United States can survive any amount of “Happy Holiday” greetings that we the people can dish out to one another for quite sometime and well into the future because…

if the country that made slavery a household word and had to fight a 4 year long civil war because it couldn’t think of any other way to abolish the heinous institution yet then a full 6 score and 1 years later saw the African National Congress and its leader fighting against the inhumane policies of Apartheid in South Africa as a “typical terrorist organization” and continued to list that leader as a terrorist for another 1 score of years, then…

I think that it is safe to say that old traditions die very very hard here in the land of Christian love and tolerance and that Christmas and our Christmas traditions will have to be dragged out of our cold dead hands…so to speak…before we will ever let them go.

So children of America have no fear to spread the Merry Christmas cheer…although I have heard it said, that whenever Dick Cheney smiles…an angel loses its wings.

Where No One Has Gone Before…For a Good Reason!

3 Dec

I was watching 60 Minutes last weekend and a report about a new “sport” called Free Diving, that involves diving under the water as deep as one can go on one breath was featured. I seem to remember this being a children’s sport many years ago, “Hey Ma! Watch what I can do!”, despite many a mother’s chagrin…but I digress.

However, today, thanks to the indomitable spirit of human something or other, thousands of adult humans are trying this new “sport” out every year. The American champion went down 236 feet on one breath which required holding his breath for over 3 minutes. Upon surfacing he died…and the crowd went wild…with grief!

To me, this is a sport like hunting is a sport, or gladiating (is that even a word?) What is the human fascination with having or with giving someone(thing) else a near death experience? Or an actual death experience?! And how is this classified as sports? I even have trouble with marathon running because it was invented by a brave soul who was running to deliver a message that may have saved other people’s lives and upon completion of his “race” he died! And the Greek’s went wild…with grief!

And that is why today, humans gather in large groups and run exactly 26 miles and 385 yards, to apparently honor one death experience with a near death one of their own. That makes sense to you, doesn’t it?

Anyway, in the 60 minutes piece the current world record holder was asked what the human limit in Free Diving is or would be, since he was about to dive over 400 feet on one breath, and his answer was, “There is only one way to find out.” And what he meant by that was…you guessed it…another potential Marathon-like distance of death for humans to challenge ad infinitum.

But here comes the best part of the story. The world record holder made his record breaking dive and swam over 400 feet down and held his breath for over 4 minutes while reaching his mark, grabbing a tag to prove that he did it and then returning to the surface…alive! To really prove that he did it! Hurray! He won! And the crowd went…

Nope! Because here is apparently what makes this new craze a sport. Upon his return to the surface he is supposed to remove his goggles, make the OK sign with his fingers and then say, “I’m OK!” to the judges (of course there must be judges!) (Why?…I don’t know…Third base!)

But what he did was make the OK sign, say, “I’m OK” and then he took off his goggles. Wrong order! He’s disqualified! Just like he’d never done it and been there and back again! But, wait! He still has the tag from over 400 feet down where no one has ever gone before!!!! Doesn’t that count for something???

Sorry…it’s a sport after all, remember? There was a flag on the play! So he has to do it all over again. Sorry, Pheidippides, you didn’t say “May I?” so you have to go back and do it all over again…”don’t worry, we’ll wait”. Of course the ancient Greek legend of Marathon was…wait a minute…did I just say legend? Yes, that’s right it’s just a legend but legend has it that Pheidippides’ famous last words were, “We won!” And the crowd went wild with happiness!…and grief!

Oh Pheidippidides you Phool! Oh ancient Greeks you phreaky philosophers! Is this what makes us human after all? The irony of taking something that should be pleasurable…like living…and finding the ultimate, absolute misery in it? Is this what separates the animals from… the human…animals? I don’t know about you but regular animals seem to be enjoying themselves and their lives for the most part…that is whenever us humans aren’t figuring out ways to take the fun out of life for them. Is there any wonder at us trying to take the fun out of it for ourselves too?

So, dear Socrates, If this is sport, please pass the hemlock!

America’s Cup Runneth Overtime

26 Sep

Well, I just had to do it! I heard that the America’s Cup had come down to one final race and that team USA had forged from behind to erase an 8 race deficit to tie the series at 8 all, thereby forcing team New Zealand to battle it out in one final race for the championship!

Since I’m an old sports junky, I just had to watch. Sadly, I’ll usually watch just about anything if they call it a championship. I remember years ago when ESPN had just begun its 24 hour TV sports coverage back when cable TV was brand new and having more than 5 channels to watch on TV seemed like one of the greatest achievement in the annals of human history…at least to those of us who grew up in the 50’s.

Anyway, ESPN was offering the bicycle motocross world championships that day…for 6 year olds! Who wouldn’t watch that? When the winner crossed the finish line and crashed, the adult announcer quickly ran on the course to get an exclusive on the scene interview with the young champion. “How do you feel about winning the championship?” He asked. Uncontrollable sobbing was the champion’s only reply.

Jeez, I thought. This 24 hour sports stuff will never work!

However, here I was in 2013 watching a yacht race of all things but without all of the boring yachts and staid yachtsmen and definitely not presented in the leisurely pace that we think of when we think of yachts and the Richy rich types who sail them. Nope in this race the defending champion gets to design the yacht that all other challengers must use to compete against the champion. And this year team Oracle USA chose a yacht design that was so expensive that only 3 other countries could dare to mount a challenge. Then they set the championship at not the best of 7 or best of 9 races as is usual in this 161 year old racing series but rather at the unusual and unprecedented best of 17!

But I must say that it was an excellent event to watch. The graphics and camera work and expert analysis were spot on. And the “yachts” zipped across the San Francisco Bay at incredible speeds that made it seem as if one were watching the Indy 500 and not some boring sailboat race.

And after being behind 8-1, Team USA came all the way back to win 9-8! Amazing! USA! USA! USA! It was a comeback for the ages!

But actually, in all fairness to the truth, Team USA was already ahead 10 races to 8 when the final, winner take all race, took place!  Why? Because the championship was stretched to 19 races because of a legal twist that occurred just before the event when Team USA was penalized two points by an independent jury that ruled that they had…I hate to say it… illegally altered their yachts in preliminary events held last year…so Team USA had to win 11 races while Team New Zealand just had to win 9.

Still they miraculously won all of those races after being behind 8-1! How could they have possibly made such a comeback? It truly was amazing…although you see for me once a competitor has been cited for cheating one never knows if they were caught the first time they cheated, the last time they cheated, or…somewhere in between. At least that’s how I look at it. I find it pointless to ever compete with someone who has been caught at cheating at what you’re competing for.

But I digress…and I must admit that I have become jaded after all of my many years of sports watching and playing. I now believe that It is definitely not how you play the game. Nor is it about whether you win or lose. I think It’s just about how good of a show you put on. And this America’s Cup, I must admit, was an excellent show that i did enjoy watching and I think that may be about all that we can ask for anymore.

What’s “Fair is foul, and foul is fair” I suppose? … but watching that little boy cross the finish line some 30 years ago and then so eloquently expressing his inner most feelings at that compelling moment may just have been the purest and most honest sports moment that I have ever seen on television in this modern age of sports coverage.

Oh well, Only 3 years to the next America’s Cup challenge. In the interests of fairness and in the interest of saving a lot of people and countries a lot of money, I say we use imaginary boats. After all from what I’ve read, it would be within the rules to do so.

And if they put that championship on TV…I’ll definitely have to watch it!

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