Tag Archives: humor

Cloudy With No Chance of Guacamole?

11 Mar

A Guacamole warning has been issued!

According to Gary Bender, a University of California avocado expert, avocados which are used in making guacamole, are shrinking in size because of low rainfall totals, cool temperatures, and sluggish photosynthesizing, which have led to avocados’ reduced size. California, which has been facing severe droughts, is the country’s premiere source for avocados and scientists are now projecting that California’s agriculture production could decline by as much as 40 percent by the middle of the century because of global climate change.

But there is no need to look out for falling guacamole because the warning was issued by the food chain, Chipotle. Their restaurants may stop serving guacamole because avocado prices are increasing as climate change affects their availability…but that’s not all, Chipotle is also concerned about the rising costs of chicken, beef, cheese, beans, rice, tomatoes and pork too!

But hey, that’s only if you believe in global climate change and global warming. Besides, who needs guacamole?

First climate change took the avocados, and I did not speak out– Because I didn’t eat guacamole.

Then climate change took the cheese, and I did not speak out–Because I was lactose intolerant.

Then global warming dried up the land and the lakes and the chicken, cows and pigs went thirsty–So I became a vegetarian.

Then climate change came for me, and I said–

Thank god for that new restaurant “Petrolee-YUM” where there ‘s always lots of Twinkies, margarine and whipped topping!

Here’s Looking at You…Kid

6 Mar

Here is a new word for your dictionary!

De-extinction.

Scientists are now working hard on ways to bring extinct animals back to life… like the Wooly Mammoth, Saber Tooth Tiger, Giant Auk and for some reason, the Passenger Pigeon! Why you ask? The main answers seem to be those good old scientific mainstays: “Why not?” and “Because we’d like to see if we can do it!”

But what I’m thinking is that you know there must be a billionaire or two out there who are thinking about their own soon to be and eminent extinctions and the possibility of resurrecting themselves some day. I mean, who needs a Wooly mammoth when they can have another…me! You just know that Donald Trump has to be thinking along these lines…

Anyway, just imagine a not so distant future when all of this de-extinction technology becomes routine and saving your DNA becomes an iPhone app and everybody’s doing it. And then imagine that your will contains the stipulation that if your ancestors want to inherit your stuff (money) then they must agree to give birth to…you!

Or what about a future when you and your wife, when deciding it’s time to have children, can decide to have… yous!

Oh boy! You just know that this technology is going to create havoc someday with either the unexpected return of giant Wooly Mammoth stampedes or with eccentric billionaires suddenly replicating like flocks of Passenger Pigeons! (I’m pretty sure us little people will most likely be denied this technology either through expense or “for our own good”, reasons)

And don’t be surprised if this technology first appears in humans somewhere within the sports world, where almost all scientific breakthroughs that could lead to more homeruns or larger offensive linemen, do. They say that A-Rod is keeping a low profile over the next year while he sits out his MLB suspension before returning to the Yankees in 2015.

If he shows up with 3 younger brothers who look just like him who can play 1st, 2nd and short, then I’d say that somewhere George Steinbrenner, is alive and well and having lunch with Donald Trump(s) in a sky box in centerfield.

And Thanks to new words like de-extinction, it could happen…someday?

Winter Gondwanaland!

21 Dec

http://o.aolcdn.com/dims-global/dims3/GLOB/resize/600x400/http://www.blogcdn.com/slideshows/images/slides/211/844/3/S2118443/slug/l/163171058-1.jpg

There’s diamonds in them there hills!

According to researchers a kind of rock that often contains diamonds has been found in Antarctica for the first time, and even though they haven’t found the diamonds yet they’re pretty confident that they are there because Eastern Antarctica was once part of a continent known as Gondwanaland, connected to what is now Africa and India, which also have kimberlite, which is the particular kind of rock that was just discovered in the real land down under the “land down under”.

So grab your ice picks and snow shovels because not only does Antarctica now potentially have diamonds it also already has Gold, platinum, copper, iron and coal, making it a veritable miners paradise!

So what are we prospectors, entrepreneurs and small business owners waiting for?

Well, unfortunately Antarctica is the coldest place on Earth…only minus 135 degrees…in the sun! and sadly, in Antarctica mining is internationally banned.

But the good news is that The 1991 environmental accord only banned mining for at least 50 years. Which means that 2041 is only 27 years away and with a little help from global warning…er, I mean…climate change…um, or rather… god’s warm loving, how cold can it be there by then?

The gold, platinum and diamonds will probably just be laying around for the picking! So let’s go 41′ers! There’s ice in that there ice! Hooray!

And even though international Antarctic experts say that mining is highly unlikely and ill advised in such a remote, cold and environmentally protected area, they obviously don’t know the tenacity, indefatigability and pertinacity of guys like Dick Cheney and corporations like Halliburton like we fellow Americans do!

Plus, I just read that there’s already an ice highway being built from the northern coast to the South Pole… already in its second year of construction…I kid you not! So…

Oh frack!

Never-mind…

Another Reason Why Christmas Need Have No Fear.

11 Dec

I like to think that I’m up on current events but I was shocked and surprised to read  that the much revered and beloved Nelson Mandela, who passed away this week, was on The United States terrorist watch list from 1986 until 2008!

This human rights icon, remained on the U.S. terrorism watch list until 2008, when then-President George W. Bush (of all people) finally signed a bill, approved by Congress, and removing him from the list.

South Africa’s apartheid regime designated Mr. Mandela’s African National Congress as a terrorist organization for its battle against the nation’s legalized system of racial segregation that lasted from 1948 to 1994. Soon after then U.K. Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher followed suit by describing the ANC as a typical terrorist organization and then our own President Ronald Reagan agreed!

 

And then again In 1986, our very own beloved statesman, Dick Cheney, then a U.S. congressman, voted along with 179 other members of the House against a non-binding resolution to recognize the ANC and call on the South African government to release Mandela from prison. The measure finally passed however, (whew!) …but not before a veto attempt by President Reagan!

 

And 14 years later, In 2000, soon to be Vice-President Cheney still maintained that he’d cast the correct vote!

So what does all this have to do with Christmas?

Well, I think that our much beloved traditions surrounding Christmas and its celebration here in the United States can survive any amount of “Happy Holiday” greetings that we the people can dish out to one another for quite sometime and well into the future because…

if the country that made slavery a household word and had to fight a 4 year long civil war because it couldn’t think of any other way to abolish the heinous institution yet then a full 6 score and 1 years later saw the African National Congress and its leader fighting against the inhumane policies of Apartheid in South Africa as a “typical terrorist organization” and continued to list that leader as a terrorist for another 1 score of years, then…

I think that it is safe to say that old traditions die very very hard here in the land of Christian love and tolerance and that Christmas and our Christmas traditions will have to be dragged out of our cold dead hands…so to speak…before we will ever let them go.

So children of America have no fear to spread the Merry Christmas cheer…although I have heard it said, that whenever Dick Cheney smiles…an angel loses its wings.

Where No One Has Gone Before…For a Good Reason!

3 Dec

I was watching 60 Minutes last weekend and a report about a new “sport” called Free Diving, that involves diving under the water as deep as one can go on one breath was featured. I seem to remember this being a children’s sport many years ago, “Hey Ma! Watch what I can do!”, despite many a mother’s chagrin…but I digress.

However, today, thanks to the indomitable spirit of human something or other, thousands of adult humans are trying this new “sport” out every year. The American champion went down 236 feet on one breath which required holding his breath for over 3 minutes. Upon surfacing he died…and the crowd went wild…with grief!

To me, this is a sport like hunting is a sport, or gladiating (is that even a word?) What is the human fascination with having or with giving someone(thing) else a near death experience? Or an actual death experience?! And how is this classified as sports? I even have trouble with marathon running because it was invented by a brave soul who was running to deliver a message that may have saved other people’s lives and upon completion of his “race” he died! And the Greek’s went wild…with grief!

And that is why today, humans gather in large groups and run exactly 26 miles and 385 yards, to apparently honor one death experience with a near death one of their own. That makes sense to you, doesn’t it?

Anyway, in the 60 minutes piece the current world record holder was asked what the human limit in Free Diving is or would be, since he was about to dive over 400 feet on one breath, and his answer was, “There is only one way to find out.” And what he meant by that was…you guessed it…another potential Marathon-like distance of death for humans to challenge ad infinitum.

But here comes the best part of the story. The world record holder made his record breaking dive and swam over 400 feet down and held his breath for over 4 minutes while reaching his mark, grabbing a tag to prove that he did it and then returning to the surface…alive! To really prove that he did it! Hurray! He won! And the crowd went…

Nope! Because here is apparently what makes this new craze a sport. Upon his return to the surface he is supposed to remove his goggles, make the OK sign with his fingers and then say, “I’m OK!” to the judges (of course there must be judges!) (Why?…I don’t know…Third base!)

But what he did was make the OK sign, say, “I’m OK” and then he took off his goggles. Wrong order! He’s disqualified! Just like he’d never done it and been there and back again! But, wait! He still has the tag from over 400 feet down where no one has ever gone before!!!! Doesn’t that count for something???

Sorry…it’s a sport after all, remember? There was a flag on the play! So he has to do it all over again. Sorry, Pheidippides, you didn’t say “May I?” so you have to go back and do it all over again…”don’t worry, we’ll wait”. Of course the ancient Greek legend of Marathon was…wait a minute…did I just say legend? Yes, that’s right it’s just a legend but legend has it that Pheidippides’ famous last words were, “We won!” And the crowd went wild with happiness!…and grief!

Oh Pheidippidides you Phool! Oh ancient Greeks you phreaky philosophers! Is this what makes us human after all? The irony of taking something that should be pleasurable…like living…and finding the ultimate, absolute misery in it? Is this what separates the animals from… the human…animals? I don’t know about you but regular animals seem to be enjoying themselves and their lives for the most part…that is whenever us humans aren’t figuring out ways to take the fun out of life for them. Is there any wonder at us trying to take the fun out of it for ourselves too?

So, dear Socrates, If this is sport, please pass the hemlock!

America’s Cup Runneth Overtime

26 Sep

Well, I just had to do it! I heard that the America’s Cup had come down to one final race and that team USA had forged from behind to erase an 8 race deficit to tie the series at 8 all, thereby forcing team New Zealand to battle it out in one final race for the championship!

Since I’m an old sports junky, I just had to watch. Sadly, I’ll usually watch just about anything if they call it a championship. I remember years ago when ESPN had just begun its 24 hour TV sports coverage back when cable TV was brand new and having more than 5 channels to watch on TV seemed like one of the greatest achievement in the annals of human history…at least to those of us who grew up in the 50′s.

Anyway, ESPN was offering the bicycle motocross world championships that day…for 6 year olds! Who wouldn’t watch that? When the winner crossed the finish line and crashed, the adult announcer quickly ran on the course to get an exclusive on the scene interview with the young champion. “How do you feel about winning the championship?” He asked. Uncontrollable sobbing was the champion’s only reply.

Jeez, I thought. This 24 hour sports stuff will never work!

However, here I was in 2013 watching a yacht race of all things but without all of the boring yachts and staid yachtsmen and definitely not presented in the leisurely pace that we think of when we think of yachts and the Richy rich types who sail them. Nope in this race the defending champion gets to design the yacht that all other challengers must use to compete against the champion. And this year team Oracle USA chose a yacht design that was so expensive that only 3 other countries could dare to mount a challenge. Then they set the championship at not the best of 7 or best of 9 races as is usual in this 161 year old racing series but rather at the unusual and unprecedented best of 17!

But I must say that it was an excellent event to watch. The graphics and camera work and expert analysis were spot on. And the “yachts” zipped across the San Francisco Bay at incredible speeds that made it seem as if one were watching the Indy 500 and not some boring sailboat race.

And after being behind 8-1, Team USA came all the way back to win 9-8! Amazing! USA! USA! USA! It was a comeback for the ages!

But actually, in all fairness to the truth, Team USA was already ahead 10 races to 8 when the final, winner take all race, took place!  Why? Because the championship was stretched to 19 races because of a legal twist that occurred just before the event when Team USA was penalized two points by an independent jury that ruled that they had…I hate to say it… illegally altered their yachts in preliminary events held last year…so Team USA had to win 11 races while Team New Zealand just had to win 9.

Still they miraculously won all of those races after being behind 8-1! How could they have possibly made such a comeback? It truly was amazing…although you see for me once a competitor has been cited for cheating one never knows if they were caught the first time they cheated, the last time they cheated, or…somewhere in between. At least that’s how I look at it. I find it pointless to ever compete with someone who has been caught at cheating at what you’re competing for.

But I digress…and I must admit that I have become jaded after all of my many years of sports watching and playing. I now believe that It is definitely not how you play the game. Nor is it about whether you win or lose. I think It’s just about how good of a show you put on. And this America’s Cup, I must admit, was an excellent show that i did enjoy watching and I think that may be about all that we can ask for anymore.

What’s “Fair is foul, and foul is fair” I suppose? … but watching that little boy cross the finish line some 30 years ago and then so eloquently expressing his inner most feelings at that compelling moment may just have been the purest and most honest sports moment that I have ever seen on television in this modern age of sports coverage.

Oh well, Only 3 years to the next America’s Cup challenge. In the interests of fairness and in the interest of saving a lot of people and countries a lot of money, I say we use imaginary boats. After all from what I’ve read, it would be within the rules to do so.

And if they put that championship on TV…I’ll definitely have to watch it!

Déjà Blew All Over Again

6 Jun

Oh boy! Here it comes again! It’s the  first week of the official hurricane season and already we have the first named storm of the year, Tropical Storm Andrea…and the good news is?… according to the weather service the storm is likely to weaken and lose its tropical designation as it moves north…But the storm is expected to dump as much as 8 inches of rain on parts of Florida and Georgia…and who knows how much rain we’ll get here in the balmy state of New Jersey but it doesn’t bode well for those of us who are still feeling the pain like John Travolta at a drive in movie theater over a girl named Sandy.

And can we please put to rest any debate on whether there really is such a thing as Global Warming or Climate Change and that we humans most likely have something to do with it because in another unsettling release this week, a Colorado State University professor who is widely considered a national authority on tropical weather prediction has released his team’s first forecast for the 2013 Atlantic hurricane season – and…

The news isn’t good.

His forecast team is predicting 18 named storms during the hurricane season, nine of which are expected to become hurricanes and four of those major hurricanes, meaning they will reach category three status or higher and need we here on the east coast be reminded that Category three hurricanes pack winds of 111 m.p.h. or higher! So Thank goodness most of my trees have already blown down!

But wait! The news gets better!

Apparently early tests show that The tropical Atlantic has warmed over the past several months and in case you are a non believer in Science The CSU team does have data to back up their prediction… and here it is:

“Five hurricane seasons since 1900 exhibited oceanic and atmospheric characteristics most similar to those observed in February and March 2013: 1915, 1952, 1966, 1996 and 2004. Four out of the five years had above-average hurricane activity.” So…The team predicts that tropical cyclone activity in 2013 will be about 175 percent of the average season (2012 experienced tropical cyclone activity that was 131 percent of the average season!)…giving the east coast a 72 percent chance of being assaulted by another major hurricane.

So here are my proposed names for the rest of the 2013 hurricane season.

Beelzebub…Cuthulu…Damian…Earthsoaker…Fughetaboutit…Gargoyle…Hellsapoppin…Icantbelieveitshappeningagain…Jezebel…Krakatau: The Hurricane… Loki…MadMax…Nosferatu…OHMYGOD…PleaseNotAgain…Quexicotle… Rumplestilstkin…Satan…TitsandAsphalt…UgottaBeKiddinMe…VelosiRapture…WhattheF…

X#!*@!…Yikes…ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzwakeMeUpWhenIt’sOver!

Good luck to everyone and may the Force… miss you!

L… is for Mom

12 May

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. If you aren’t a mother than you most assuredly have one, so it is a day that we can and should all celebrate.

It has always struck me as odd however, that most westerners of the modern age worship a god who is male when it is the female who gives life and who is most likely to care for and nurture the child…of course I suppose that this same fact could also support our belief in a male deity because we can always say…”where did he go? And why did he leave us alone like this?” too.

Sadly however, in our day and age, the single most important indicator in determining a woman’s likelihood to live out her days in poverty is…childbirth. If a woman in this world can call herself a mother, she is more likely than not… to be poor. That in my opinion is the saddest testament to the failures of the human race that I could ever imagine…And the saddest testament to the failures of men because we are supposed to be partners with women aren’t we? So how come so many women have to go it alone, whether they choose to or not.

The abject cruelty and disdain with how many men treat women, has always been puzzling to me because all men have mothers and most men have wives and many men have sisters and daughters too…and it is not uncommon for almost all men to become angry and outraged should anyone say anything bad about their mothers, daughters sisters or wives.

Yet many if not most of these same men never seem to equate other women as being someone elses mother, daughter, sister or wife thereby causing them to treat those women with the same thoughtfulness, kndness, love and respect that all women, not just “theirs”, deserve.

Instead so many men behave so violently towards women that it is enough to boggle any god’s (male or female) mind. But that is the tragic flaw of men is it not? We see violence as a real solution to problems…and we really believe that it is…really.

And so we keep putting each other in charge and we keep coming up with the same solution…to everything…even when we are fathers we still think that it is a good idea to send our sons…or other people’s sons off to war.

I know that women send there sons to war too, but I think only because men make them. I do believe that If moms were in charge wars and violence would be harder to come by…maybe…but I only say maybe because men would still be around to point out, and insist upon,  how we need to resort to violence to get the job done.

So here’s to moms everywhere. I wish you peace and happiness and the love and respect of grateful children everywhere. And I hope you someday get the chance to  take control of the planet and have the opportunity to show us if indeed, love is the answer…because we men still have no freakin’ ideas.

Protect the Head…Please!

8 May

 

Did anyone see Super Bowl 44? Sorry, for you sports fans out there I mean Super Bowl XLIV…If you did, did you see Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees with his son at the end of the game? His son was wearing headphones to protect his brain (kind of ironic isn’t it?) from the noise generated by the thousands of screaming New Orleans Saints fans.

Way to go Mr. and Mrs. Brees! You all may be going to Disneyland but you also know that your son is headed into the future and he’ll need his brain to be fully functional and intact when he gets there.

So to everyone out there, whoever you are and wherever you are, PROTECT THE HEAD!!

And speaking of head protection, it’s the Baby Boomer generation that has been responsible for parenting over the last 3 decades or so and consequently we are responsible for whatever decline there has been in the education of America’s children over that time but it was our parents who were  responsible for raising us and they were members of “America’s Greatest Generation”. They were the ones who defeated Hitler and Fascism and who saved the world for Democracy and who won World War II (more Roman Numerals!) so wouldn’t you think they’d have known all about the importance of head protection, as in wearing helmets and protecting the brain, since they had spent so much time getting shot at and being blown up and jumping in and out of fox holes and such…(all while wearing helmets I might add) but did they make us wear helmets and force us to protect our heads when we were growing up?

No! They did not. So thanks a lot mom and dad. Your kids’ world was dangerous! You were the ones who gave us Monkey Bars and that playground death-go-round that would spin us around and then fling us off into space, knocking so much sense out of us that we all thought it would be a good idea to go on it again!

You were the ones who gave us school playgrounds with concrete floors! And then you gave us multiple siblings and equipped them with toys that were actually designed with the specific intent of putting our eyes out! You invented Little League Baseball and actually gave us real hardballs to throw at each other’s heads…then you thought Little League Football would be an even better idea.. for crying out loud you put helmets on little kids with the sole intent of making us crash into each other like battering rams. Thanks to you guys concussion was our middle name!

So all bets are now off. We Baby Boomers refuse to take any more responsibility for the decline of American Civilization. We all had and have PTSD and did not know what we were doing from adolescence onward.

So let’s all start protecting our children’s heads now by putting on their thinking caps instead of weaponized head gear. Then perhaps a new generation will grow up with the ability to start thinking of ways that will actually get us out of this mess that all of the previous generations concussed themselves into.

Which One’s the Referee?

7 May

One day in school I was standing outside my door waiting for the bell to ring when suddenly a fight broke out in the hallway. Two students, seemingly from out of nowhere, began slugging it out right in front of me. Without thinking I did what any good referee would have done and stepped into the middle of the clinch and separated the combatants with my arms. Thankfully the students in question were flyweights and not heavyweights or I’d probably still be there, crushed like a slice of sandwich meat between two hoagie rolls.

Anyway, I tossed one of the students into a row of lockers while I pushed the other up against my classroom door, holding him there while yelling for help. A teacher always has to yell for help in a situation like this because the other students in the hall will never offer any assistance whatsoever. Those who aren’t closing in to form  the traditional spectator ring are too busy microwaving their popcorn in the hopes of settling down into a nice long championship bought.

And if it’s two girls fighting? Forget about any chance of help…The cheering mob will become the very best Hollywood paparazzi with their cell phone cameras and iPods all a twitter in the hopes of catching an impromptu topless ingénue to tweet around the world…

But again I digress…for security soon arrived and the fighters were removed to their corners while the disappointed crowd broke up and went off to class. But my own students were in awe of me for the remainder of my class period as I was now the old man who still had “skills” and I must admit that it felt good to have stepped into a crisis and to have prevailed with the use of quick wits and brute force while helping to avoid a larger brawl. (And with no guns!)

And later that day the building principal came up to me to offer his approval, support and praise for a job well done. However, he then offered me a word of caution…

“Be careful out there, he said. Apparently you broke up a fight between two rival gang members and now they might be out to get you. Watch your back!”And with that he was off bounding down the hallway to no doubt spread cheer among another unsuspecting colleague.

One of the things that can make being a teacher difficult and exhausting these days is that sometimes doing the right thing can somehow be the wrong thing.

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